Monday, November 15, 2010

I am not Jenny McCarthy.

Here's a quick check list for those of you who might be under the impression that I'm Jenny McCarthy:

1. I have never been in Playboy magazine. Jenny has, and I'm not posting the photos because they are NOT child friendly.

2. Jenny hosted a game show on MTV. I have never watched MTV, much less been one of their employees.

(When it was age appropriate for me to watch MTV it was not available in Canada. Now it's here, and I'm too old. Also: MTV shows are the suckiest of all the very many sucky television shows on television)

3. I would not fornicate with this man:

(Former partner Jim Carrey)
But Jenny did, and then he gave her $25, 000, 000 to go away.

4. Nor would I fornicate with this man:

(Her most recent boyfriend, bodybuilder Jason Toohey. Eww.)

Jenny has/is -- but let's not dwell on that lest we makes ourselves nauseous.

5. I love science. In particular: the scientific process. I know anecdotes are NOT the same thing as science. Jenny? Not so much.

6. I have a degree from a real university. Jenny says that she has a medical degree from the University of Google.

7. Because I have a real university degree I would be too embarrassed to declare googling shit on the computer constitutes a degree. Much less a medical degree.

8. Unlike Jenny, Oprah isn't giving me my own talk show. But if Oprah did, it would be AWESOME.

First order of  business at the Wrath Of Mom Talk Show would be to enlist my bestest imaginary celebrity friend Jennifer Garner to head out on a Nan and Jen's Road Trip. We'd take my two boys and her two girls and have a coast-to-coast dimple-athon. It would be better than Oprah and Gayle's Road Trip. I promise we will not crash some stranger's wedding and upstage the bride.

Also if I had my own talk show, I would finally have a platform that I care deeply about: movies about trains. I love train movies. ESPECIALLY if they involve:
a. unmanned trains,
b. trains laden with explosives, or chemicals or (BEST OF ALL) nuclear weapons, and
c. out of control trains heading toward an urban center where many INNOCENT PEOPLE WILL DIE.

Needless to say I'm pretty stoked about the new Chris "Call Me Young Kirk" Pine movie:

Uh. Where was I? Oh, yes:

9. McCarthy use to be the spokesperson for the Indigo Children movement, whereas I think that's all hokum.  Kids with ADHD do not represent the next step in the evolution of humanity to a higher plane of existence. That last sentence might just be the most ridiculous thing I've ever written.

10. I don't have fake breasts. It's true. My breasts are not an optical illusion, nor are they augmented with silicon. Jenny's are also not optical illusions, but they are very silicon-y.

11. I understand irony. But Jenny McCarthy doesn't.

McCarthy criticizes research done by pharmaceutical companies as biased, citing their goal as profit not public safety. However, McCarthy is earning money with her anti-vaccine political agenda. She's "authored" three books about autism, has her own line of bed linens, and sells an educational program called Teach2Talk and operated a school using the curriculum. Furthermore she runs an organization and website (Generation Rescue) which sells and endorses products that support her cause, ie hyperbaric chambers, vitamins, prepared gluten-free meals, etc that help cure autism.

It appears to me that Jenny is just as motivated by money as the pharmaceutical companies. If they are biased (and I personally don't agree with her assessment that drug manufacturers are faking the science) then so is she.

12. I love vaccines! LOVE THEM! In fact today I took the boys to get our seasonal flu vaccines. And I did so with nary a concern for trace levels of mercury because I know that mercury doesn't cause autism AND I know that many, many horrible diseases are PREVENTED because of widespread vaccinations in western, industrialized, densely populated nations. Jenny advocates not vaccinating your child, thereby running the risk of him or her contracting a preventable disease and dying.

I hope this will help clarify any confusion people have telling me apart from Jenny McCarthy, model/actress/"author"/"doctor"/flake.


  1. When my son was younger he had a significant developmental delay. Some of the moms in his therapy groups were constantly hyping Jenny to me to "cure" him. Several times my tongue almost bled I was biting it so hard. (I have an extreme fear of confrontation.)
    Moral of the story I did what my doctors said, and there is now no hint of delay. He was just behind. Hard work at therapy helped him catch. No special diet, no vitamins, just plain old fashioned patience and practice.
    I understand this doesn't apply to kids with Autism, but it's a bit scary how much people generalize Dr. Jenny's advice.

  2. You haven't been in Playboy?

    I find it frightening how people can jump on board the celebrity hype train. (Hey, there's a movie for you! About a train!) Yes, Jenny is a mother and yes, of course she would be concerned about her son, enough to earn her medical degree from the school of Google (heh) but does this mean that she is now all knowing and powerful Jenny, curer of autism?

    No. It does not. The MD from Google is not an actual medical degree. Also, she had sexual relations with Ace Ventura. Ew.

  3. I love you. LOVE you! And vaccines. And people who mock Jenny McCarthy for being a vacuous anti-vaccine f*ckwit. I also love your idea for Christmas letter as trivia quiz. And we put the pictures we like on the fridge for a couple of months and then stick them in the back of an album. If we don't like them we chuck them right after Christmas. Let's face it, not everyone's kids are as cute as they think they are. Shhh.

  4. Her new boyfriend looks like he says ARMS coming out the side of his body above his hips, but I guess those are muscles?

  5. I for one have had an extremely hard time telling you apart. I'm not even sure these points really convince me. ;)

    Oh yes, the alter of Jenny and her cures for Autism...makes me insane.