Saturday, November 27, 2010

Turn Around, Bright Eyes.

The following vignette is a work of fiction and bares no resemblance to real life:

[The setting: a kitchen in a house.]
[The time: early evening.]

Nan Ann: Hello, honey. How was work?

Mr Nan Stan: Fine. They announced the date and venue for the office Christmas party.

Ann: Well, that's nice.

Stan: Don't you want to know the details?

Ann: No. Why would I?

Stan: So we can make plans

Ann: I already made plans. I plan on not going.

Stan: We're going.

Ann: You know that I hate going to your office Christmas parties.

Stan: You haven't been to one of my office Christmas parties in four years.

Ann: Really? Four years. Huh. I guess that one of the few benefits of your employers continuously going bankrupt -- and hence being unable to afford Christmas parties -- is my being spared the pain of going to your office Christmas parties.

Stan: They're not that bad. We're going to the party.

Ann: Can you guarantee me that THIS year there will be no fist fights?

Stan: No, I can not.

Ann: Can you guarantee me that THIS year none of your coworkers will get so drunk they will stop me in the ladies' room and ask me to help pull their panties up from around their ankles?

Stan: No, I can not guarantee that either.

Ann: I'm not going.

Stan: You have to go. None of my coworkers know you. They probably think you're just a figment of my imagination. You're like Norm's wife on Cheers.

Ann: I'm not going.

Stan: Yes, you are, Vera.

Ann: No.

Stan: YES.

Ann: NO. There is nothing you can say to entice me to attend this party.

Stan: There's going to be karaoke.


Ann: It's like you don't know me at all.

Stan: We're going.

Ann: No.

Stan: Yes. KARAOKE! It's fun.

Ann: Thirteen years. We've been together thirteen years and you think that karaoke is an incentive? You are a stranger to me. I don't know who you are anymore.

Stan: You could sing a Neil Diamond song! I know you like Neil Diamond.

Ann: Don't bring Neil into this. Neil doesn't deserve to be sullied by karaoke.

Stan: We are going to this party.

Ann: I am NOT going this par-- hey, do you think the karaoke thing has Total Eclipse of the Heart?

Stan: Maybe. Why?

Ann: Because if you are going to make me go to this party, I'm gonna Dan Band the fuckin' shit outta this party.

Stan: I don't know what that means.

Ann: Oh. You will. YOU. WILL.

[End scene.]
• • • • •
To whit:

[Do NOT play this song if your kids are in the room. Thanks to Nicole for the clip.]


  1. If you Dan Band it, your husband's co-workers will definitely know who you are. And your husband may pretend not to.

  2. Karaoke! I love karaoke. I sing the HELL out of karaoke. How about if I go in your place? It will be like Wife Swap! But with NEIL DIAMOND. Cracklin Rose you're a starboard woman, but you make me sing like a GEE-TAR hummin, so hang on to me girl....

    It's probably fortunate that there is no karaoke at my husband's party next weekend. I will just have to be my usual sedate self.