Monday, December 13, 2010

A Memo To Sandra Bullock.

To: Sandra Bullock, aka Sandra Bullock, Academy Award Winning Actress, Driver of Doomed Bus, Patron Saint of Women Who Marry Philandering Assholes

From: Nan, Creator/Contributor for the Wrath of Mom Blog, Chairwoman of the Society to Prevent People From Doing Really Stupid Things (aka TSTPPFDRST).

Re: Your Christmas Plans.

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Ms. Bullock,

Recently the press has speculated you will spend Christmas with your ex-husband, Jesse James and his three children. We at The Society to Prevent People From Doing Really Stupid Things  (aka TSTPPFDRST) take this unsubstantiated story with a grain of salt, but think it's a bad idea and wish to dissuade you from this possible course of action.

Jesse James is a gross, philandering, tattooed, anti-semitic, racist, bigoted, reality television "star." He also wears man-sized overalls. In public.

Jesse shouldn't be permitted in the same room as a young child. For the sake of little Louis Bardo, please don't spend Christmas with this freak.

Perhaps Ms Bullock, you should contemplate finding a new spouse/partner/mate to ensure that Louis doesn't grow up thinking that Jesse James is a respectable father figure? Yes, it is time to move on and find a NICE, non-crazy spouse.  After all, it's been 10 months since James was responsible for foisting the tattooed forehead of Michelle "Bombshell" Mcgee onto the world. It's been three months since James began a dalliance with Kat Von D. It is time for you to date.

To this end, using your previous dating history as a guide, TSTPPFDRST has drafted a short list of possible candidates for your consideration:

1. Brendan Fraser. Actor.

A bit of internet snooping shows that you have a tendency to date co-stars. You worked with Brendan Fraser on Crash. Sure his career is waning, but that is something with which you are familiar. Also he has three sons and his former wife is not a porn star nor has she been to jail. Unlike Jesse's previous spouse.

2. John Edwards. Politician. Asshole.

If there is one attention whore who the members of TSTPPFDRST loathe more than that Bombshell woman, it's Rielle Hunter Lisa Jo Druck. Now I don't care for John Edwards personally, but I will vomit if he carries through with his promise to marry Hunter. So maybe you could take one for the team and marry him and make sure Elizabeth Edwards' children are raised properly.

SIDE NOTE: Rielle Hunter should marry Jesse James and all the smarminess and idiocy could be contained in their union.

3. Ken Burns. Documentary film maker.

Okay, Burns is actually married. But maybe you could get together with Burns for coffee and he'll tell you a little about his mini series Jazz, and help round out your knowledge of Louis Armstrong. I thought you might enjoy this since you have named your son Louis, in homage to Louis Armstrong. Alas you say Louis with the french pronunciation of Loo-EE, which Mr Armstrong considered a demeaning pet name, preferring his name to be said as Lewis.

While you wait for Ken to order you a coffee, watch this clip of Louis Armstrong singing "Hello Dolly" with Barbra Streisand. Please note the way he says his name:

[Note: personally I prefer Louis when pronounced the French way.]
4. Keanu Reeves. Actor.

Come on. He's single. He's cute. He's Canadian! You had great chemistry in Speed and The Lake House.

5. Charlize Theron. Actress.

It kind of makes sense. Charlize has great chemistry with Keanu. You have great chemistry with Keanu. Ergo you two should have great chemistry together. Also she is single. AND she doesn't have forehead tattoos.

6. Chris Pine. Actor.

You appeared with Original Kirk (aka Bill Shatner) in Miss Congeniality, so maybe you could get it on with Reboot Kirk. Plus I think he's a cutie and was looking for an excuse to put his photo on my blog.

• • • • •

This concludes the Sandra Bullock Prospective Life Partner short list. We will update the list as we see fit.

Please, blog readers, feel free to nominate more men or women in the comment section of this post.