Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Someone is having a baby! AND IT ISN'T ME!!

Edited: In the comments, a reader pointed out that I've gotten my Wilsons1 confused. This is what I get for blogging before I have my coffee.

• • • • •

I'm unreasonably pleased to learn that Luke Owen Wilson is going to be a father.

Even more exciting: the mother is not Kate Hudson.

This kid is going to be really popular when he/she gets to be school age and tells their peers "My dad's the voice of Lightning McQueen!"

I have got the perfect name for Owen and his girlfriend (her name is Jade Duell, but I just like to call her NotKate) if they have a son:

Klaxon Duell Wilson. 

Why Klaxon? Four reasons:

1. It ends with -N, which is a very popular trend with boy names right now. Have you looked at birth announcements lately? Every other kid is a Landon, Logan, Hayden, Colton, Nathan, Ethan, Aidan, Jayden, Caden, or Roman.

2. It has not one, but TWO of the low frequency consonants (-K, -Q, -V, -W, -X, and -Z) that are highly prized.

3. It's a noun. Using a random noun for your child's name is the universal symbol of coolness for celebrities.

4. It's a lot of of fun to impersonate a klaxon. Ah-wooga! Ah-wooga!

But if the baby is a girl, what should Wilson and NotKate name her?, you may now be asking. The answer is simple:

Klaxon'lee Nevaeh Grace Duell Wilson.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

(BTW, Did you know that Nevaeh is heaven spelled backwards??!!!11!!)

 • • • • •

1The inseminator is Owen, not Luke (as I originally wrote). Honestly -- this is just a shameful oversight on my part.

Turns out there are three Wilson brothers! Did I know this? Did anyone? That's Luke (who is not Lighting) on the left. Owen on the right. The other brother (in the middle) lives in the cupboard under the stairs at Owen's mansion. No one is allowed to speak of THAT Wilson brother. Or so I assume. Please don't make me do any more fact-checking. It makes me sleepy.


  1. My brother and his wife are expecting again. (not CJ's parents, alas) but they are debating between lily and lola for girl names. The best part? Their last name is Field. my mom's blood pressure just keeps rising.

  2. You forgot Austin, Jaxon and Kalen. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed.

    I'm also a little disappointed because you imply that the name needs to be different if it is a girl. Klaxon would work equally well for either gender.

  3. OWEN Wilson is having the baby, not Luke. The baby mama's name is Jade Duell. Not that it matters...

  4. GAH! Thanks Anonymous. I'm getting all my Wilsons confused. I'll edit now.

  5. Or you could go with Klaxonie or Klaxoney, both popular endings for girls!! I have another -n boy name, and he lives at my house - Mason. :-) You are right about n being the top boy name ending. Braden, Kaden, or if you're a girl who graduated from high school and also enjoy making up names: Kason.

  6. from my high school...sorry about that...wish blogspot would add 'edit' to comments posted. Sheesh.

  7. @HappyGeek
    They could combine them to make Lolily! And it would still be less horrible than CJ's full name.

    To make Klaxon a girl name, you should spell it Klaxyn. The -y makes it princessy.

    @Omaha Mama
    I've got an "Name Ends in -N" son, too!

    I love Klaxonie. What about Klaxon-leigh? Klaxon'lynn? Klaxon'leen? Or maybe Noxalk Nevaeh is more kewt?

  8. You can't open a celebrity site and not find out about five more pregnancies...you will have lots of fodder for many months!

    Everyone knows that girls names must end in an "A" therefore Klaxona would be the appropriate choice.

  9. @Jenifer, YES! SO MANY BABIES!

    I've only just learned that Vince Vaughn and his wife (whom I call NotJenniferAniston) have a daughter named Locklyn! LOCKLYN!? WTF?

  10. I have no idea...was it meant to be Lachlan??? It is like the phonetic bastard child, but the "Y" sure makes it CLASSY.

  11. @Jenifer

    "the phonetic bastard child" HAHAHA! But the -Y makes it classy AND girly!

    And I just found this article that Autumn and Peter Phillips have named their new baby Savannah:
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1343596/Rector-lets-slip-Queens-great-grandchild--Savannah.html Yuck. AND this is why Royals should never marry commoners!

  12. I just clicked on a link that says Kate Hudson is pregnant. Hmmm...

  13. The name is in! Ford Linton Wilson. Opinions?