Friday, April 1, 2011

Making an April Fool Out of Myself.

I published this post as an "About Me" page -- and implemented a few Paltrow-inspired blog elements -- in honour of April Fools' Day.  

If you are visiting this blog after 12 PM (pst) on April 1, 2011 you will be spared the horror of Gwyneth Paltrow's singing via the autoplay setting on my GrooveShark player. If you are a masochist, just go ahead and click on the widget at the bottom of the post.

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In these troubled times, I think it's really important to have a celebrity role model to help navigate the many quandaries I face as modern woman living in modern times in a modern house with modern children and a modern husband and lots of modern appliances and other modern stuff.

Gwyneth Paltrow is my guru. She makes my life better. She makes me better. She makes all the pain go away. Well. Not the hunger pains. The hunger pains have just gotten worse since Gwyneth's come into my life. But it is so worth it. I can eat dairy when I'm dead.

I bet if she were here with me now, Gwyneth would turn to me and say "Anastasia1, are you living the best life you can? Are you following all the helpful hints, recipes and lifestyle advice that I published in my Goop newsletter?" Through my tears (that I would try to hold in lest I ruin my smokey-eye makeup) I say no. Gwyneth tells me to stay Country Strong and try to do better. Then she hugs me. But gently because we both have brittle bones due to our macrobiotic diet-induced calcium deficiencies.

This blog represents my attempts to heed the wisdom of Gwyneth Paltrow, actress, humanitarian, singer, singer-songwriter, dancer, wife, mother, chef, decorator, bon vivant.


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1 True fact: Gwyneth thinks pet names are trés trés dé classé. She would no more call me Nan, than she would call William Joel by the pet name Billy.

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9 comments:

  1. Ahhhhh! My eyes! My ears!!!!! Ahhhh!!!

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  2. I really think this is a big improvement to your brand. Seriously, Anastasia, it's about time you got with the program.

    I SO LOVE THE AUTO PLAYING MUSIC, where can I get one, I am totally in love with this one song from Veggie Tales & I think my readers would like to hear it every time they come to my blog, because who DOESN'T love being aurally raped by a cucumber.

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  3. The only thing to improve on the brilliance of this profoundly disturbing April Fools joke is Eryn's line "aurally raped by a cucumber."

    It would appear that I am surrounded by genius. Evil genius but genius nonetheless.

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  4. My BFF Gwyneth and you - together at last!
    The auto-playing music is just the cherry on the brittle-boned cake here. AWESOME.

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  5. Good god woman! Make it stop.

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  6. LOL. It's hard to laugh with that brittle bone thing tho; my ribs are cracking.
    Happy April Fool's.

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  7. I just sent Gwyneth a link...she's thrilled!

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  8. I didn't get any auto-playing music. And I'm glad you were up front about the April Fool's Day tie-in -- I was born without the gene for detecting irony and it's really embarrassing when I keep falling for stuff. I probably would have gotten that you weren't serious. Maybe. And yeah, 'aurally raped by a cucumber?' Gonna be visiting her next, to offer my undying worship.

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  9. Well I don't know much about Gwyneth, but I do know this post was superb! And I love her in Glee. She's smokin' hot! I'd do her in a second...well, if I had the right parts.

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