Friday, April 29, 2011

Canadian Money and Stamps Are Going To Get Better Looking In The Very Near Future.

Last night I had an extremely vivid dream that I was at Disneyland when a new King and Queen were crowned at Cinderella's palace. I watched and waved as Will and Kate went toodling by in a car driven by Mickey and Minnie. This was evidently my self-conscious telling me to get up and watch the royal wedding.

I did. But not until 7 AM.

Initially I planned to watch the ceremony in real time, but then I realized this meant waking up at 2:30 AM and that really killed my enthusiasm. Plus last night I had a bad headache. It's making me more than a little annoyed that I've got seasonal allergies AND there's still snow on my front lawn. Weather is a real bitch, if you ask me.

Not only did that headache spur me to bed earlier than I intended, it also killed my plans to blog about my very important opinions and predictions about the royal wedding. Which is just as well.  I probably would've said some very unkind things about Kate Middleton.  I've never been too keen on Kate Middleton, in part because of this Vanity Fair article. I use the phrase Waity Katie whenever I can. I'm a bit of an ass.

However as of today, I like Kate. Her dress was lovely, elegant and timeless. Even more impressive was her confidence. She was completely at ease with the attention, with her vows, with her new spouse. She was the anti-Diana. Wills looked splendid, and he looked in love. It was so cute how he blushed after the kiss on the balcony. I adore that he went out on the Mall yesterday and shook hands with the crowds. Before today when I conjured up a mental image of Wills it was him following the cortege at his mother's funeral. It's such a contrast -- from that sad, little boy, to the dapper, happy groom.

I sure hope in 20 years Andrew Morton doesn't write a tell-all book that shatters the loveliness of April 29, 2011. I don't want to know if  today was truly awful. That Kate chugged vodka and Ativan in the car ride from Gorings and how she was already eying up Harry and thinking "maybe I should have set my cap at the younger brother." That Wills was thinking, "I'd rather be duck hunting."

Here are some more of my Royal Wedding related opinions:
• I believe Mrs Middleton spent the entire reception face down in a plate of crumpets saying, "Carbs. Oh, sweet, carbs, I have missed you."
• Wasn't it nice of Joan Collins to lend Princess Eugenie an ensemble from her Dynasty days?
• I'm not sure what to say about Beatrice's big ass hat. Did she look at that hat and think, "Oh, yeah this baby will make everyone forget about the Aretha Franklin's wack-a-doodle lid from Obama's inauguration." I hope she apologized to everyone who sat behind her.

• Was Chelsy Davy's outfit suppose to be two toned? Anyone else like referring to Chelsy Davy as Fergie, Part Deux?
• I thought the junior bridesmaids (NOT flower girls) and pageboys looked very sweet. There is no way my boys would've held up to all that attention. Never mind the tights.
 • I don't know a whole lot about fashion, but I do know that dying your high heels to match your dress (a la Tara Palmer-Tomkinson) is out dated. Nude heels are your best friends, ladies (a la Samantha Cameron).
• I felt bad for the horses pulling the carriages. You could see them shying away from the curbs where the crowds were gathered. 
• Pippa Middleton -- according to my younger son, Klaxon -- looked like an Oompa-Loompa. When your fake tan is so obviously orange that a seven year old boy notices, you need to step away from the spray booth.
• I don't even know what "Doors To Manual" means. Is this a British thing?
• Zarf (age 9) didn't recognize the Queen. He feels that Canadian coins are not an accurate portrayal of her visage.
• What the hell needs to happen for Victoria Beckham to crack a smile? Yeesh. Lil' Ms Sourpuss.
• I felt poorly for Mr Middleton as he was the only male member out on the balcony not wearing a military uniform and hence looked a bit like a butler. A very overwhelmed butler.
•The Archbishop of Canterbury has some crazy eyebrows. Are there no rules of etiquette about this? The officiant's eyebrow hair should not exceed 5 centimeters, particularly when there is some serious backlighting going on. 
• Whoever hired Tracy Ullman as Royal Commentator for the CTV broadcast deserves a raise. I hope they fire Ben Mulroney and Seamus "Did I mention I went to Cambridge and hence am not JUST a talking head" Murphy and use their combined salaries to employ Ullman full time. Or at least for election night.
• I feel kindly of badly for Laureen Harper. Because a federal election was called last month, she and Prime Minister Stephen Harper had to decline their invite. I hope she's pissed at Stephen. And his stupid budget. And his stupid vote of non-confidence. Alas, I'm sure that Laureen has years of experience being disappointed by Stephen.

And now I'm regretting not buying one of those commemorative tea towels.


  1. i lived this post! and those archbishop eyebrows--gross! i feel bad for who ever had to eat their bubble and squeak next to him.

  2. I did not watch Chuck & Di get married, as I was 10 months old at the time. Or maybe I did watch it & don't recall.

    I didn't watch Diana's funderal, as I was 16 at the time & a completely different sort of distracted.

    Being brutish Americans, my husband says "We led a revolution in the 1700s so that we wouldn't have to watch a damned royal wedding in 2011."

    I can't handle these sort of events on TV, as they start to resemble dog shows. Not that British men & women resemble dogs, but that the live commentary is very similar. Then I get angsty & tweet snarky, cutting things that I have to pretend to regret later.

    I rather enjoyed your rundown of the wedding though, I think they should hire you to work along side Ullman. Many good wishes to the bride & groom!

  3. I was anxious to see your post with thoughts from the wedding...I was one of the lucky few who actually purchased your recommended tea towel. I used it yesterday to dab away happy tears. It is as awesome as I was led to believe. And amazingly, even after the horrible exchange rate to the US $, the price was not that bad! I deserve a splurge every now and again, right??

    On about 85% of your comments, I was thinking the same thing...especially the Chelsy Davy thing. Harry can do so much better!!

  4. @Christine -- Bubble & Squeak! It's so much fun to say that! Erm. Type that, I suppose. I bet Prince Harry was dying to say something amusing about those brows.

    @Eryn -- I surprised that any Americans were interested in the Royal Wedding. Also amused by American commentators remarking that Obama didn't get an invite. Duh. Only leaders of the commonwealth were invited.

    @Janice -- I read your comment & thought "To hell with it. I'm buying that Emma Bridgewater tea towel." But it's sold out. Damn it! Why didn't I buy one earlier?!

  5. The eyebrows. You have to be either supremely confident or supremely non-self-aware to have eyebrows that shaggy.

  6. Regarding Americans and the Royal Wedding - let me just say that you would be surprised!! A good half of all my mid-30s and up friends were awake at the crack of dawn to watch the whole show. And while wearing their own fascinators and nibbling scones - I am not kidding! Slightly obsessed! We don't really speak of it aloud, but it is there. I think it is a case of the grass is greener...

  7. @Nicole -- I'm thinking beautifully sculpted brows are another argument in favor of female priests/ministers/bishops/popes, etc.

    @Janice -- Did I come across as snippy in my earlier comment about Americans watching the royal wedding? I think I did, and it wasn't my intention. I DID mean to be snippy about the media's assumption that Obama would be invited even though there is no historical precedent or personal connection that warrants an invite -- but I was pleasantly surprised by the American interest. Makes sense, since I watch the presidential inauguration.

  8. I didn't watch it that day...I was a substitute teacher at the high school. Teaching English! :-) I did see the recaps later that night and was so impressed. It was lovely, just lovely. Eye candy everywhere.

    I'm going to a Kentucky Derby party this weekend and we are supposed to wear hats, so I loved looking at everyone wore to the wedding. Mine is not quite so fashion-forward. Even if it does have a huge bow and some feathers!

  9. @Omaha Mama -- I would love to go to a Kentucky Derby party! That's so cool. I hope if/when Prince Harry marries, he has a late afternoon wedding. Just for the sake of the North American viewing audience.