Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Guest post, by Laureen Harper.

My fellow Canadians,

Are you -- like me -- suffering an emotional hangover from the election turmoil of the past 6 weeks? Were you -- like me -- up late last night celebrating the re-election of my husband, Stephen Harper? Or were you -- unlike me --  up late mourning the demise of the Liberal Party?  Or were you  -- like Nan -- up late watching CBC's coverage not because you were overly invested in the election, but because you were making lascivious comments about the sexual prowess of the on-air commentators?

To wit:
• Peter Mansbridge -- charismatic as usual, prefer him with his just back from the cottage beard. Watching him converse with ex-wife Wendy Mesley is fascinating. He alternates between easy going banter and "CRAP -- better tone this down or Cynthia's going to thwack me upside the head when I go home" stiltedness.
• Wendy Mesley -- all smiles with Peter, but kept it professional. Bet she wishes she could sleep with him one more time just so afterward she could roll over and say, "That was good. But you're no Ian Hanomansing."
• Terry Milewski -- No. Just no.
• Chantal H├ębert -- sexy, French accent, new feminine hairdo, but still lacking in even an iota of good humour. Is she a Vulcan?
• Evan Solomon -- physically attractive. Based upon his usage of that smart screen, he lacks the manual dexterity to satisfy a woman.
• Rex Murphy -- asleep in the back corner for most the night. Probably very thorough when it comes to making lurve. Also inventive with pillow talk. Vulgar metaphors! Dirty literary allusions! Historically accurate, lewd jokes about philosophical paradigms and schisms and other big words I don't truly understand! He's a bobcat in bed, I just know it.


At present Stephen's run out to pick me up a double-double. Well, he's really just supervising the enterprise. Stephen will wait in his Prime Ministerial Hummer (he only goes into Tim Horton's for carefully arranged photo ops and even then only during elections), while his pet Jason Kenney dashes inside.  Hope Kenney doesn't screw this up.

So while I'm alone, I wanted to take a moment to communicate directly with you.

Thank you, Canada, for returning my husband to power. Thank you for giving him another mandate. A majority government means there is no chance of an election for four years. Hence I now know -- with utter confidence -- that I will meet the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Will and Kate when they come to Canada this July.

Oh, thank God. I'm so relieved.

I was really looking forward to the Royal Wedding. I had already purchased my ensemble when the election was called and we had to cancel our plans. I had made careful notes that not everyone was charmed by the dress I wore for the G20 Summit gala.  That dress was a homage to my Ukrainian heritage. I was deeply hurt when Jon Stewart on the Daily Show referred to me as the Canadian Prime Minister's "beautifully gift wrapped wife, Lauren." Firstly my name is Laureen. Secondly, in Alberta we like our belt buckles, our guns AND our dresses to be shiny!


I should also take this opportunity to send out some apologies.

Firstly, to my husband Stephen. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I don't hate you. Nor do I hate your budget. Stupid though it was. I had Royal Wedding fever.

I also regret making threatening phone calls to the 156 Members of Parliament who voted in favour of the no-confidence motion.  I realize that they did not set out to ruin my dreams of attending the most important nuptials of the decade. In particular, I apologize to Jack Layton. I was not in my right mind when I confronted you that day in the Centre Block, Jack. Rest assured -- even if you'd not wielded your cane in such an impressive display of strength and speed  -- I would not have followed through with my threats to shove my Royal Wedding fascinator up one of your more sensitive orifices. Tell Olivia I'm sorry for pulling out a clump of her hair.

Well, Stephen is back from his "beverage and refreshment run" (his phrase, not mine) so I'd better publish this post quickly. Then I shall turn my attentions to my two main tasks:

a. once and for all banishing the decor installed in 24 Sussex Drive by Mila Mulroney. Really? Mila, leopard skin carpet? Were you planning on turning this place into a brothel or a casino?

b. planning all the wonderful AMAZING things I shall do when Will and Kate visit. I'm already working on my curtsy skills, developing a taste for shitty  English  shitty chocolate (Ugh. Cadbury is the worst.), and buying non-shiny dresses.

xoxo

Laureen Harper.

9 comments:

  1. Sometimes you frighten me. But it's a good fear.

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  2. @Bon -- you should believe! Because anything is possible! Even a conservative majority -- which I totally didn't expect. But to which I am now resigned.

    @Biblimama -- don't be frightened. I'm harmless. Most of the time. It's one of the side effects of my pharmaceuticals. (Just kidding)

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  3. Whoa there. Not all of us Albertans like shiny belt buckles/guns/dresses.

    I wish I could have been Laureen's date to the wedding.

    Also, Rex? Mmmmm. Baby. Talk about the historically accurate philosophical paradigms more. mmmmmm.

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  4. You are such a good writer...you make me WANT to pay attention to Canadian politics. Not that I will, but there is a want. Which was not there before. :-)

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  5. @Nicole -- I know not all Albertans like shiny things. I lived there for 20 years. Plus I really liked Laureen's dress from the G20. Whereas Michelle Obama's dress was kind of ballerina-like. And not in a good way.

    @OmahaMama -- Thanks for the compliment. Canadian politics are v. sedate & civil compared to the American brand.

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  6. Ha! And Ha! again. Brilliant.

    I'm pretty sure I wore that exact dress to prom in the 8th grade. Laureen stole my look!

    That's what happens when she doesn't get John Baird's advice on clothing. ;)

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  7. I was thinking of you on election night! I thought Rex seemed a little more mellow than usual.

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  8. This was brilliant - I wonder what it's like being married to Harper the Goat (don't you think he looks like a goat?) Laureen - poor dear, part of The Harper Household.

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