Wednesday, May 4, 2011

So Precious.

When it comes to celebrity baby names, it takes a lot to shock me. This was not always the case, of course. Once upon a time, I thought Apple was the worst name ever. "Naming a child after a piece of fruit is cruel. It's child abuse!" said 2004 Nan, "That girl will be teased about being an apple martini."

Seven years on, I think the name Apple -- while asinine -- is jejune.

I'm so jaded that I barely reacted last week when I read that Kevin James (Huh? Who? Am I suppose to recognize this name?, was the response from 95% of my readers) named his son Kannon.

In 2011 it takes a lot to shock me.

Alas, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have helped set the celebrity-baby-name-idiocy bar really high. Their new born twins are named:

Moroccan Scott Cannon
Monroe Cannon

Awful, right?

You know what makes it more hideous? Monroe is a girl. Yup. A girl.

The glittery, pink icing on this ugly name? Mariah chose it to honour Marilyn Monroe. Why would you name your child after a drug addicted, mentally unstable, long dead starlet? A woman best known for her sexual persona, lack of intelligence, and promiscuity is not a good role model for a child. Mariah and Nick should probably speak with David Boreanaz, whose daughter Bardot (as in Brigitte) is now named Bella. I wish Mariah and Nick called her Marilyn, it's a lovely, classy name.

I take some small comfort that Monroe's brother didn't get off any easier. Moroccan Cannon is a mouth full. When I try saying it out loud, it comes out sounding more like "Menachem Begin." I understand why Mariah and Mr Mariah are going to call him "Roc." My favourite part is that Moroccan's name was inspired by the d├ęcor in his parents' living room.

On that note, I'm going to conclude this post by thanking my parents for not naming me Shag Carpet, Faux Wood Panelling or Antimacassar.


  1. I would be named Brown Variegated Shag Carpet or Gold Flocked Wallpaper. Now, if my mom had named me after her favorite movie star, I'd be named Redford.

  2. I would have been named Taxidermied Deer Head. Or Wood Stove. And if I'd been named after MY mother's favorite movie star, I'd be Liam Neeson.

  3. i think i could've lived with Morocco, Rocco for short. not my style, but rolls off the tongue, fits the place-name trend, is exotic and kinda interesting with a familiar nn. adjective names, on the other hand, always make me think they're going to be combined with terribly vulgar nouns. with Scott in the mn position? it just sounds funny, both in terms of era and in terms of geography.

    Monroe. yeh. why does no one consult us, Nan? ;)

  4. Monroe really is an ugly, ugly name for a girl. Just imagine whispering that to a little wee thing. Ugh.

  5. LOL!

    I could handle being named Monroe...because I would be comforted by my VAST inheritance.

    When I was pregnant with my twins (Katherine and Elizabeth), I threatened to name them "Forest" and "River". Seems pretty tame in comparison. :)

  6. Ok, so if I have another kids they're totally Ikea Minimalist Crap.

    Moroccan? Are they out of their freaking mind? And why wasn't the sibling Algerian? Libyan? Egyptian? Syrian?

    (actually, rereading your post, wouldn't if have been cool if they'd followed the lead of Kevin James & named the kid Kannon Cannon? And maybe Missile Cannon for the other one.)

    OTOH, it did get them a few lines in the news & trickled down to blogs & chat room etc, and with these narcissistic, adulation addicts, that's all that counts.

  7. Dang, I just knew I should have used Particle Board TV Stand for my oldest....

  8. I'm so in love with this post, and the comments, that I was about to leave without commenting because hello! Comment anxiety! But then I thought what if Nan justifies her existence based on how many comments her posts get like some other pathetic people I know (certainly not me). So I didn't. Moroccan is bad. Very very bad. Probably still doesn't top Dweezil and Moon Unit, but still - very bad.

  9. I could have been named Doily! Or Macrame Plant Hanger! Dammit!

  10. These names are the worst! They don't even come across one bit as clever or unique...I actually expected good names from them. Sheesh. I love the idea of Kannon Cannon and Morocco and Marilyn would have made a bad idea a bit better.

    Why does no one ask us!!!!

  11. When I first read this (yes, you are giving me breaking news here, I hadn't yet read their names), I thought that Monroe would be the boy. I don't know why, but I thought that Mariah would do better by her kids. Sheesh. I remember that as a fan of her in my teens, I thought she had a really unique/strange name. Not even close.

    Baby names/celebrity baby names is a topic I never tire of. Keep 'em coming.

  12. Marilyn is a "lovely, classy name". Why thank you!

  13. Apparently, they like the "Roc & Roe" idea. And, the boy's name is kind of like, "Mo'rockin" oh, oh, oh is all I can say.

  14. When Nick tweeted the names, he said "welcome Roc & Roe". He really did. UGH.

    I can't imagine selecting names based on the cutesy nickname you can come up with.

    If I'd been named after a room in my parents' house, let's see... Bare Floor Vapour Barrier. Because the house wasn't finished when I came home to it.