Thursday, November 17, 2011

Hot Men on a Cold November Night. A Post In List Form.

Bradley Cooper is cute. He reminds me of a Golden Retriever. He's shiny and friendly. When you enter his house, I bet Bradley Cooper runs over to greet you. It is flattering that Bradley Cooper -- with his straight teeth, sleek coat, bright eyes, and breath that smells of eucalyptus and peppermint -- is so very interested in you. But your happiness is short lived. Someone else enters the house. Bradley Cooper turns his back on you and greets the new person with the same outlandish degree of zeal and focus (but now he has drool hanging from his chin). It's not personal. It's just Bradley Cooper's nature. Bradley Cooper is a cheerful, inveterate crotch sniffer.

And Bradley Cooper doesn't deserve the title of People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. Actually, I didn't care for anyone on that list so I followed in the footsteps of Beck and Hannah and wrote:

My List of Male Celebrities Who Have Gravitas and Hence Make Me Swoon and Bring The Sexy Wherever They Go:

(Where ever possible, I included "grey beard porn." YOU ARE WELCOME!) 

1. Chris Pine. When I look at Chris Pine I have sin in my heart. And fire in my loins.

2. Alexander Siddig. He gets prettier with every passing year. I wish he would show up on my doorstop and repay that compliment.

(at this point I'm going to implement a Star Trek actor boycott or else the list will consist entirely of Star Trek actors. Patrick Stewart! Avery Brooks! Zachary Quinto! Robert Beltran! Jonathan Frakes! Connor Trinneer! Michael Dorn!)

(Edited on November 17 @ 4PM -- I couldn't resist. I'm adding the following photo collage.)

3. Jon Stewart. "Drop those smarty pants, Jonny!" would be my idea of foreplay.

4. Pierce Brosnan. Instead of blogging, I am going to write Remington Steele erotica. Sound good? 

5. Neil McDonald. Big words + liberalism tempered by real-life experience + sexy scowl and furrowed brow = the real reason I watch CBC's The National.

6. Colin Farrell. He's the list's token bad boy. But he's a bad boy who, with the love of a good woman, will become a good boy.

7. David Tennant. Trust him. He's a doctor.

8.  Dylan McDermott.    Dermott McDylan.    Rooney McDermot Muldylan.  Dermot Mulroney.  THIS GUY:

9. Ron Livingston. "Dumped Carrie Bradshaw via Post-It note" was what I typed into Google because I couldn't remember his name. I loved him best in Defying Gravity.

10. Gerard Butler. He was very sexy as the dad in Nim's Island.

Honorary Mention: Rex Murphy -- WHAT?! He's probably really, really good at pillow talk. I'm sure it would be educational and FILTHY!


  1. You are absolutely ridiculous and that is why I love you!

  2. Colin Farrell! Yes! I can't believe I missed him. Also, I actually totally under Neil MacDonald (not Rex Murphy though - ACK). Ron Livingston - agree.

    But strictly for the freakin' hilarious and oh-so-apt description of Bradley Cooper - complete with cry-laff side by side comparison photos - I declare you the winner. At everything. :)

  3. RON LIVINGSTON! Is that that guy's name? I loved him in Office Space. Also, dumping via post-it - I love that too. I was hoping you'd come up with a list. I've been meaning to do one too!

  4. I saw a movie with Colin Farrell in it recently and practically WEPT. Good grief, what a gorgeous man.

    "Drop those smartypants, John." Remington Steele erotica. HAHAHAHAHA oh my god, you are excellent.

  5. And nowi have a burning desire to go watch a lot of DS 9.
    This was a truly awesome post.

  6. Should we mock Hannah for saying she's totally under Neil MacDonald? (which I kind of get, but that picture just looks like he's constipated). Is it just me, or did Alexander Siddig get way sexier AFTER DS9? He really needs that attractively graying beard.

    Bradley Cooper - so with you.

  7. I only just realized that I typed "under" instead of "about". I can only blame 1) I hadn't had coffee yet; 2) I'm pregnant and therefore stupid; and 3) I'm so pregnant that I am, shall we say, deprived. I'm hoping more of you write these posts because I'm enjoying gazing at the pictures over and over again.

  8. It's good to see a woman who can put a positive spin on the whole "men are dops" thing.

  9. @Jayme -- you are going to miss my ridiculousness when you move away. Admit it!

    @hodgepodge -- Thanks! Neil MacDonald has replaced Ian Handsomemanthing as my fave CanCon heart-throb. My sons helped me pick out the photo of Bradley & the dog. It wasn't my finest moment.

    @Nicole -- Ron needs to hire a new publicist, b/c I knew a whole bunch of movies he'd done but his name meant nothing to me.

    @Beck -- I'm biologically engineered to lust after Irish ne'er-do-wells. Colin is smooooooth.

    @happygeek -- If you do watch DS9, start with season 3. That's when Bashir starts bringing Teh Sexy.

    @Bibliomama -- Grey Beard Porn FTW!

    @hodgepodge -- I knew what you MEANT! And I'm not judging since I'm forever leaving typos on your blog and I don't even have the excuse of pregnancy!

    @Trooper Thom -- I never even picked up on the "men are dogs" notion. Oops.

  10. Is no one going to mention Harrison Ford?! It can't be only me, well ok maybe it is.

    Your lists are awesome.

  11. Oh and Robert Downey Jr. now I am done.

  12. Good call on Jon Stewart. I love how he talks into the camera so I can pretend he's making biting political satire directly to me.

  13. I would be happy with a list entirely of Star Trek men.... just sayin'

  14. Oh surprise, surprise I am back...nothing like hot men to wake me up! I wanted to say it is not like I didn't like this list, hello Jon and Pierce! I was merely making it even nicer.

  15. You and I have such similar taste in men! And grey beard porn, you taught me that one recently and I am very much on board.

    Give me a British accent and I'm sold. Or Irish. Australian. Pretty much every time.