Tuesday, January 10, 2012

At Least They Didn't Call Her Tiana May.

After a few days of not blogging I struggle with inspiration for a new post. "I've been gone for more than a week, I should have something really juicy/interesting/personal/funny to share with the six people who read my blog -- but WHAT?" I pondered yesterday.  Quite frankly, I've nothing of substance to write. Instead I'll just begin with...

Blue Ivy Carter is a dull, but not overly horrible name.

If this were 2007 I could probably churn out a few hundred words about the awfulness of the name given to Beyonce and Jay-Z's progeny. Alas years of watching celebrities give their children stupid names (Zuma, Clover, Apple, Buddy Bear, Kal-El, Jermajesty, Banjo, Princess Tiaamii, and so on) have taken their toll. In 2012 the bar for shitastic names has been set very low and Blue Ivy easily passes. Quite frankly, I was hoping the baby would be named Credenza, or something equally random.

A while back someone alleged I was a "mean girl" for -- amongst other supposed offences -- mocking baby names. I dismiss this out of hand. Firstly, I hate the phrase "mean girl."  Girls who psychologically or physically hurt other girls are bullies even if our culture feels safer assigning a cute label to their viciousness. Furthermore "mean girl" is now applied to any female who stands up for herself, a behaviour that even today is seen as unbecoming to a woman. I wish this sexist phrase would fall from favour.

Secondly, I'm not making fun of the babies, but rather their parents. Parents who pick outlandish names (ie Bear Blu) want attention. In courting public validation for their cleverness, they risk censure.

Thirdly, show me a baby and I will coo over their little fingers and their tiny toes no matter how bad the name given to them by their misguided parents. It's hypocritical, but I do not publicly ridicule the baby names chosen by real life friends (and I extend this label to my fellow bloggers), just celebrities who are strangers to me. Also non-celebrities generally know it's a bad idea to give a human being a career limiting name (ie Sparrow) and so there is less material for me to work with.

My final justification for mocking baby names, is that names are really subjective. I'm sure there are people who think my sons' names (one is an ethnic, vowel-rich name that is hard for English-speakers to pronounce, and the other is an uber-Bible name that we chose despite not being Christians) are awful. But I'm not a fragile flower who needs her opinions and tastes affirmed by strangers and I can't abide by people who are otherwise.

Next up in the What Will They Name The Baby sweepstakes: Jennifer Garner and Jessica Simpson. Do you think one of them will use Credenza? What about Ottoman


  1. You know...

    The Ivy in Blue Ivy is supposed to come from Beyonce's love of the number 4.

    Wouldn't it be just surpremely, awesomely horrible-wonderful if we've all been mispronouncing Ivy and it is really pronounced Four-ee?

  2. @Mary

    Ooooh. That would be delicious. Kinda like how Madonna didn't know how to say "Lourdes" properly when she named her first daughter, and she tries to get everyone to say the name HER way.

  3. Delurking to say I never even considered Mary Bogan's idea and now am deliciously hoping that is the case. Hilarious.

    Also I agree that the whole celebrity baby naming thing has become so ridiculous that Blue Ivy hardly registers as a blip on the screen (unless it's supposed to be fourvy in which case it's back around to hilarious).

  4. Yes, I remember my priorities with naming centered around foolish ideas of wanting a name for my child that was both reasonably unique (ie- she won't be one of 6 in her class with that name) while still normal enough to be correctly pronounced by the substitute teacher at least 50% of the time.

    Obviously, I was doing it wrong.

    I think my next child will be named Chocolate (but with the Spanish renunciation) Credenza...

  5. *damn spell check, that's supposed to be pronunciation, not renunciation...

    Unless renunciation could possibly work in that sentence, at which point you should disregard this message.

  6. Credenza would be awesome, but Sofa would be better. Yeah, Blue's not the worst name ever, which just means we are all deadened to bad names.

  7. blue...a little weird esp. if all her celebrity baby peers end up being yellow, green, and orange. could make arts and crafts at the Beverly hill's preschools interesting.

    i am DESPERATE to know your boys name. i'll tell you mine if you tell me yours. ;-)

  8. I heard their friend Gwyneth screwed it up and had people thinking it was Ivy Blue on twitter? (I don't ever hang out there, so don't know that for sure). But I really think Ivy Blue has more of a ring to it and that Ivy would've been a more lovely first name. Just my opinion.

    I love your baby name posts. Swistle's got a whole baby name blog. People need to cool it.

    You're not mean. You're funny. Funny women make some people squirm.

    Keep writing, no matter the topic. I find that the less I write, the less I write. I don't want you to go away!

  9. Oh the passion to mock bad names, it warms WARMS my heart to read these posts. Blue is most definitely ho-hum after these past few years as you pointed out.

    The worst part is they choose Blue after his album (so they say)...really...like how Mariah named her son after her favourite room in the house and favourite dead celebrity. Can't you like your album/room/whatever and not saddle your kid with a name that represents YOUR interests?!

    Now you need to post about how other parents in the hospital were not allowed in or out of their rooms and denied access to the NICU at times...that generous donation they made is going to come back and bite the hospital - I read some parents are thinking of suing.

  10. ...that should read "her daughter" after her fave dead celebrity.

    And, I think your boys have great names...not hard to pronounce at all! I think Jennifer G will go classic I still love Seraphina...could not convince anyone in my house on that one. Jessica might go a bit out there though. My prediction.

    God you are making me want to name another baby...I must get in my sister's ear - baby is due soon.

  11. Jessica Simpson needs some media coverage, so she may go for Credenza or something equally as shocking. I love Violet and Seraphina, so I think Jennifer G/Ben A are pretty good in the naming department.

    Blue Ivy is kind of sweet but I just think of a dog or horse when I hear the name Blue. And don't even get me started on the excess of that baby's life in her three houses and crazy ass amount of space.

    And "mean girl"? You??? No way, no how.