Sunday, March 11, 2012

Calling All Robots.

The big issue in Canadian politics this week is the Robocall Election Fraud story. In last May's federal election thousands of Canadians received automated phone calls directing them to the wrong polling stations. It's still not known if the blame lies with a few misguided, idiotic members of Conservative Party campaigns, or if this was a conspiracy that reaches the upper echelon of the Conservative Party.

What is known -- and what no one but me seems to be alarmed by -- is that robots now have access to phones and are making calls. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!? Who gave those robots phones? When did this start? Is it still going on? Could I receive a phone call from a robot at any time? I'm concerned, because I have a deep abiding hatred of THEIR kind.

Here's a list of robots who I hope never call me:

Robocop. The unseen, unknown force behind the Conservative Party's anti-gun control, anti-gun registry stance.

Vicki (aka "Voice Input Child Identicant"). My husband doesn't remember "Small Wonder," and hence would probably NOT react with an appropriate amount of fear upon hearing her creepy monotone on the phone. I fear for his safety. He needs to watch this clip so he can protect himself:

Scary, right?

Wall•E. Intergalactic cyber stalker.

Rosey the Robot Maid. I'd like to believe that in the future, robot maids won't play into gender stereotypes.

The Daleks. "Exterminate! Exterminate the Liberals!"

Roombas. They're small and they terrify people's pets. They must be stopped. Or I should buy one.

C-3PO.  When people list the misdeeds of Anakin Skywalker, they tend to focus upon his slaughtering the Tusken Raiders on Tattooine, or killing Padme by breaking her heart, or sanctioning the Ewok genocide on the forest moon of Endor. Personally, I think the worst thing Anakin ever did was create C-3PO. Whiny, anxiety-ridden, self-absorbed, good-for-nothing bit of tin. 

R2D2. If he called me on the phone I'd probably just assume it was a fax machine. Why does he only communicate with beeps and squeaks? And why -- when it suits the narrative -- can the humans understand him, but not at other times? Does a voice processor really take up so much space in a droid's body?

The Borg. "Resistance is Futile. You will be assimilated into the right-wing, conservative collective. Liberalism is futile." Okay, technically they're not robots but cyborgs. Still, they're freaky. I hope they NEVER call me.

Hal 9000. "Dave. What are you doing. Dave? Dave, you're not thinking of voting NDP are you? Dave, I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question."

Do not get complacent with the robots. This is what they want. To lull you into a false sense of security until you have forsaken all your personal liberties, your universal health care AND you do their bidding without a second (critical) thought. Same goes for the Conservatives. 


  1. Totally agree with the Small Wonder one. Sadly, we must be aging ourselves! Though, I must say my I-robots (yes, I have more than one)can rule my kingdom anytime. They are awesome :)

  2. Small Wonder?! Gah. I HAD forgotten all about that. As for this post...genius.

  3. I had forgotten all about Small Wonder... UNTIL THIS POST!!!!

    Gee, Nan. Thanks alot!

  4. P.S. Don't forget your Old Glory Insurance:

  5. Are you kidding? C3P0 is fluent in over 6 million forms of communication! I can only order beer in 4! He can call me anytime, if only to teach me how to order beer in the obscure language of Tattooine, for example, which is in Tunisia, where they speak a form of Arabic known only to themselves.

  6. Not gonna lie...I kinda wanna roomba!

    (Blogger still will not let me comment with my google acct, it just keeps offering to get me started on a blog)

  7. Strongly disagree. It would be awesome if C3PO called me. Or R2D2. I would beep beep bop boop boo wiht him all day long.

  8. My list also includes being called by cylons. They obliterated humanity, and then they would try to get me to vote conservative - which would be more horrifying?

  9. Hal is totally the creepiest. Although I'd probably sleep with Data....