Wednesday, April 4, 2012

There Are Downsides to Being a Trekkie: Why People Hate Me For Being Amazing.

The following is a parody of Samantha Brick's article 'There are downsides to looking this pretty': Why women hate me for being beautiful, published April 3, 2012 in the Daily Mail. 

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On a recent trip to a department store, I was delighted when a stockboy came over with an armload of Uhura action figures.

"These are going on sale tomorrow, but I'll mark them down for you now if you take the lot. They're covered in so much dust, they're practically a health hazard " he explained.

You're probably thinking 'what a lovely surprise.' But while it was lovely, it wasn't a surprise. At least not for me. For one thing I was dressed liked this:

Plus I'd parked my car out front and it tends to get noticed:

Throughout my life, I've regularly had Star Trek action figures or horga'hns offered to me by people I don't know. Once a young man dressed as Ferengi asked me to massage his lobes. Another time a fight broke out between two homeless men standing close to me on a city street. The police put it down to meth, but I knew the men were suffering from Pon Farr, a neurological imbalance brought on by my innate Trekkie-ness.

While I'm no Seven of Nine, I am good-looking. For a Trekkie.

But there are down sides. The main one being that non-Trekkies hate me for no other reason than my extensive knowledge of the Star Trek universe, both canonical and non-canonical. If you're a non-Trekkie reading this you've probably already formed your own opinion about me -- and it won't be very flattering. For while doors have been opened (literally) as a result of my being a Trekkie (by the way: when will sensor-operated, pocket-doors become de rigeur?), just as many have been metaphorically slammed in my face -- usually by people who don't recognize that I'm wearing my beloved cosplay Betazoid wedding ensemble.

I'm not illogical and I'm no green-blooded hobgoblin, yet I find this fascinating. Over the light years I've been dropped by countless non-Trekkie friends who felt threatened if I merely uttered a single "Qapla'" or attempted a Vulcan Neck pinch. If their partners dared offer to play a round of Tongo with me, a sudden chill would descend upon Ten-Forward. 

You'd think that non-Trekkies would applaud me for making so much effort to wear only fashions inspired by alien races featured on Star Trek. I work hard on my appearance. I don't drink anything but synethol, prune juice or Earl Grey tea. When it comes to chocolate, I'm no Deanna Troi. I work out, even when not on shore leave. Unfortunately, non-Trekkies find nothing more annoying than someone who lives the Roddenberry-way. 

Take last week, when a neighbour driving passed me on the road did not acknowledge nor return my Vulcan salute. According to a mutual friend -- who is a Browncoat -- it's because the neighbour is afraid her husband is becoming a Trekkie. Her fear is based upon his comment that this photo makes him "giggle like Miri when she's alone with Kirk:"

(source: Nichelle Nichols' twitter feed.)

As a result of these types of slights (and I have many, many anecdotes I could share -- just ask!), I find non-Trekkie social outings nerve-wracking. More and more, I am forsaking my beloved jumpsuits and dressing "normally." I've even started to leave my Bajoran earring at home.

I'm almost 39 (by the way, if I was a Vulcan I'd still be an adolescent) and I'm fully embracing the efforts of JJ Abrams, Zachary Quinto, and Chris Pine to make Star Trek  cool again  even more amazing than it always has been. Perhaps then non-Trekkies will finally stop being jealous of me and not judge me so harshly and instead accept me for who I am: a superior form of life.


  1. This so so full of awesomeness, I cannot begin to express it in a comment.

    I will be smiling all day long.

  2. This post is so absurd. You are delusional; you're not even that much of a Trekkie! There's no way all those things happened to you.

    (Sorry, it had to be done.)

    1. THEY DID HAPPEN TO ME! And the fact that you questioned me PROVES that I am a TRUE trekkie and I'm COMPLETELY amazing! Don't you even try and be logical with me.

  3. Also, I totally wouldn't leave you alone with my husband for 5 minutes. I am threatened by those who love Star Trek as much as he does (he probably gets all the references without following the links or googling).

  4. An awesome post, which I'm sure would even make Commander Data laugh.

  5. I only allow my husband to socialize with hotter-than-me trekkies. It's how I test my commitment to the Prime Directive.

  6. Ahahaha! This is so funny. Love it. "It wasn't a surprise. I was dressed like this."


    Remember those old commercials "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful"?

  7. Okay, I just read the original article. Wow. Just wow. I have so much to say about it I don't even know where to begin.

  8. it's true. as a mere semi-literate Trekkie, i am reminded of my eternal inadequacies in your presence. can't stand it. well, not MUCH. :)

    i also just read the original article. i think she may find old age terribly dissatisfying. but then it probably still won't occur to her that the reason she has no women friends isn't her looks, but her.

  9. OH MY GOD I'm such an incredible loser (and screw anyone who's about to tell me to stop the self-defeating talk), I had vicious insomnia last night and I read this without reading the tiny print at the top and my face was wrinkled up all uncomprehending-like and I was thinking WHAT THE FUCK is Nan ON? SO relieved.

  10. ha HA HAHAHAHAHAHA. Hilarious! That is all.

  11. I like your article more than hers. You are amazing.

  12. PLEASE don't start dressing normally just because of the jealous few. You must stay strong.

  13. I so want to go shopping with you in that outfit!

    And, whoa, that original article is just plain scary.