Saturday, June 2, 2012

Those Patio Lanterns. They Were the Stars in the Sky.

Can I write an Oprah™ Book™ Club™ worthy memoir if I lack numerous traumatizing -- but comical -- anecdotes about my life? Should I give up on my plan now?

The problem is that I can not incorporate any of the following themes of "good" memoirs:

1. being poor,
(Seven-year old me thought that we were poor because -- unlike our neighbours -- we did not have red velveteen wallpaper in the living room AND purple shag carpet in all the bedrooms. Turns out we weren't poor, we just weren't tacky and colour blind.)

2. being a member of a maligned minority,
(Initially I thought I had this one nailed, but my husband says that people calling me a Newfie does not qualify.)

3. overcoming an addiction,
(My husband says that my copious use of ellipses and hyphens does NOT qualify as an addiction. What the --?)

4. having a physical malady,
(One time I had my eyeball removed. But only for 60 seconds and I was unconscious at the time. Also, the eyeball-ectomy was done by a doctor.)

5. suffering from mental illness,
(Question: if I even see the phrase "Patio Lanterns" the song runs through my head for days and days and days. Does this qualify?)

6. fornicating with a famous person,
7. doing drugs with a famous person,
(Sorry Sir Patrick Stewart and Katee Sackhoff, our brief encounters were not tawdry enough.)

8. crazy parents,
(My parents are normal so I have only mildly embarrassing anecdotes from my childhood. For example: When I was in junior high school an employee at the IGA deli counter was ignoring my mom so she called out in a really loud voice, "YOO-HOO! YOUNG MAN! I'D LIKE 250 GRAMS OF BLACK FOREST HAM SLICED THIN, BUT NOT SHAVED." Everyone stopped and stared at her.)

9.  wacky hobbies or collections,
(I am only now realizing how dull my life is. *knock on wood*  And uncluttered.)


10. crazed pets who teach me about the human condition.
(Ezri has chin acne. It's more annoying than inspiring. At least to me.)

I haven't given up entirely on the idea of writing a memoir. Mostly because I like the sound of Tyler Perry™ Presents Tyler Perry's Wrath of Medea™, Loosely Based on the Wildly Unpopular Blog With a Name Stolen From a Star Trek™ Movie.

I hope Tyler Perry™ uses this photo in all the promotional material:

º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º
It's a photo from my high school grad in 1991! Guess which one is me?

Here's a hint: my shoulders are covered, you can see my hands and I'm wearing a hat.


  1. I'd like to comment on the rest of your post, but my mind cannot get beyond that blue dress. With the train. And white nylons. The early 90's were a MAGICAL time.

    1. Don't forget about the white lace gloves!!!!!!!

  2. I'd be interested to hear about your eyeball-ectomy. Is it not as exciting story as it sounds? Your anecdotes amuse me. I would read a book full of them.

    1. How have I not blogged about the eyeball-ectomy?! I'll get on to it quick.

      BTW, I'm adding your name to the (imaginary) list of people who will get an advance copy of my (imaginary) memoir.

  3. Patio Lanterns is the worst song ever written, except maybe Go For a Soda. I echo Happy Geek, the early nineties were indeed a magical time. I had a spiral perm.

    I think you're super cute.

    1. What about "I Am a Wild Party?" People who complain about Nickelback need to listen to more Kim Mitchell songs and understand Canada's long painful history of awful music.

    2. Agree. At least Nickelback doesn't get stuck in my head for weeks until I need an eyeball-ectomny to get it out.

  4. I need to go find my photos, NOW. This is just so, so good.

  5. I haven't looked back on my younger years in fashion chagrin yet. But I'm sure my children will be old enough to help me with that in a few years...

    Also, I've recently seen several houses out here in Colorado that did the redneck version of wallpaper in the 70s, and put up burlap. It's simultaneously awesome and horrifying. And it makes your neighbor's red velveteen sound that much fancier.

  6. She is wearing a MULLET dress! Oh yeah.

    I would totally read your memoir. And review it on my review blog, which isn't mine per se, but which I write for. So carry on! It's gotta be better than a lot of the drivel somehow getting published. That picture alone is worth the price of the free review copy! er, you know what I mean ;)

  7. It's the girl next to you with the daggers sticking out of her eyes. Who IS she?