The problem is that I can not incorporate any of the following themes of "good" memoirs:
1. being poor,
(Seven-year old me thought that we were poor because -- unlike our neighbours -- we did not have red velveteen wallpaper in the living room AND purple shag carpet in all the bedrooms. Turns out we weren't poor, we just weren't tacky and colour blind.)
2. being a member of a maligned minority,
(Initially I thought I had this one nailed, but my husband says that people calling me a Newfie does not qualify.)
3. overcoming an addiction,
(My husband says that my copious use of ellipses and hyphens does NOT qualify as an addiction. What the --?)
4. having a physical malady,
(One time I had my eyeball removed. But only for 60 seconds and I was unconscious at the time. Also, the eyeball-ectomy was done by a doctor.)
5. suffering from mental illness,
(Question: if I even see the phrase "Patio Lanterns" the song runs through my head for days and days and days. Does this qualify?)
6. fornicating with a famous person,
7. doing drugs with a famous person,
(Sorry Sir Patrick Stewart and Katee Sackhoff, our brief encounters were not tawdry enough.)
8. crazy parents,
(My parents are normal so I have only mildly embarrassing anecdotes from my childhood. For example: When I was in junior high school an employee at the IGA deli counter was ignoring my mom so she called out in a really loud voice, "YOO-HOO! YOUNG MAN! I'D LIKE 250 GRAMS OF BLACK FOREST HAM SLICED THIN, BUT NOT SHAVED." Everyone stopped and stared at her.)
9. wacky hobbies or collections,
(I am only now realizing how dull my life is. *knock on wood* And uncluttered.)
10. crazed pets who teach me about the human condition.
(Ezri has chin acne. It's more annoying than inspiring. At least to me.)
I haven't given up entirely on the idea of writing a memoir. Mostly because I like the sound of Tyler Perry™ Presents Tyler Perry's Wrath of Medea™, Loosely Based on the Wildly Unpopular Blog With a Name Stolen From a Star Trek™ Movie.
I hope Tyler Perry™ uses this photo in all the promotional material:
º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º ºIt's a photo from my high school grad in 1991! Guess which one is me?
Here's a hint: my shoulders are covered, you can see my hands and I'm wearing a hat.