Sunday, July 22, 2012

I'm not rich enough to give my kids dumb ass names.

It's been a while since I've posted about atrociously named babies born to celebrities. "Is this because celebrities have gotten better at naming their children?" you may be wondering. Noooo. Quite the opposite, as proven by this installment of...

Further Proof that Fame and Money Can Not Buy Common Sense or Good Taste: the Baby Name Edition:

Penelope Scotland Disick

Obviously in this instance I'm using "celebrity" in it's widest sense, the sense that includes the sub-category of "talentless famewhores from reality television shows." I'm impressed that Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick picked such a lovely, normal name. My happiness is only slightly diminished by their choice of middle name. I guess the father really, REALLY wanted to get his name in there. I should just be happy that they didn't spell it Scottlynde.

Keeva Jane Denisof

"Mmmm. I just love sprinkling some freeze-dried Keeva -- an all-natural, artificial sweetener made from the chemically preserved tears of vegans -- on top of my morning cup of muesli" is what springs to mind when I hear the "name" given to Alyson Hannigan and Alexis Denisof's second daughter. You can see the whole family in these *cough** completely staged for the press **cough* candid photos.


 Marlowe Ottoline Layng Miller-Sturridge 

This is the rumoured name of the baby recently born to Sienna Miller and Tom Sturridge. Marlowe is a great name. For a hard-boiled detective in a Raymond Chandler mystery novel. Otherwise it is awful.

 I'm much more enamoured of the chosen middle name. For me, Ottoline always brings to mind an "autoclave" and the book character created by Chris Riddell. I really hope that Tom Sturridge doesn't go shagging the nanny (in manner of Sienna' former claim to fame fiance Jude Law) but sticks around long enough to inseminate Sienna with another baby they name Mr Munroe.


 I'm still holding out hope that the child's name is actually spelled correctly. Marlo is the superior option.


Sonny Lee

Normally I'd be inclined to chastise a parent who gave their child such an insubstantial name. However considering Sonny's siblings are a girl named Casper and a boy named Pilot Inspektor, I'm just going to let it slide and instead ask women to stop reproducing with Jason Lee.  PLEASE STOP HAVING THE SEX WITH THIS MAN! For one thing he's a Scientologist and for another thing he's got to be crazy if he's a Scientologist. Furthermore he sucks at naming children.


Maxwell Drew Johnson

This girl was recently born to Jessica Simpson and some guy who agreed to impregnate her so she would "win" by having a child before her Nick Lachey's wife gave birth. C'mon -- you know that's what this is really about. Maxwell is just one of many tragic things this child will have to deal with in life, starting with a mother who hasn't realized the girl will be called "Maxi Pad" from the moment she starts junior high.


Emet Kuli Hershkovitz

Are these really names? I desperately want these to be legitimate names with an ethnic background or religious connection that I'm simply not aware of. It would be of great comfort to know that when she named her son, Lisa Loeb didn't just mess with the spelling of Emmett and use a noun with racial overtones.


Isabetta Rose Mariano

When I look at this name I hear the voice of Jar Jar Binks saying "Isa betta this is not a real name. Messa thinkin' it little bitty axadente, huh?" She's the third child for game show winners Rob and Amber Mariano.


Adalaide Marie Hope Kelley

Dear Josh Kelley and Katherine Heigl,
Good job: two out of the three names you gave your daughter are spelled correctly.
Signed,
Every Spellcheck Program Your Daughter Will Ever Use In Her Lifetime.



Mabel Ray Willis

This is a lovely name! I have no issue with it, plus it shows Demi Moore was to blame for her daughters with Bruce Willis being called Tallulah, Scout and Rumer.


Maple Sylvie Bateman

On behalf of Canadians, let me clarify that Maple is not a name in Canada. Nor is it a homage to our nation. In Canada -- and everywhere else -- the name Maple is a punchline. I'm very disappointed in Jason Bateman.


Astala Dylan Willow Geldof-Cohen

Bob Geldof thinks his grandson has a horrible name. And when a man who named his own children Peaches Honeyblossom, Fifi Trixibelle, and Little Pixie doesn't like a name, you know it's truly awful.



19 comments:

  1. You know how I love you and would never wish you ill, but part of me would love the delicious irony if your boys grew up and really named their kids Zarf and Klaxon. I would sympathize with you, but giggle really hard behind my hand.

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    1. I really fear that one of my boys will wind up married to Apple Paltrow. And I'm going to have to get out of my habit of rolling my eyes whenever I hear that name.

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  2. Everyone wants to be unique. (That always makes me think of Beck.) But they really don't think of the kids. I had a name my mom thought would be really unique, until at least three girls in every single class of mine also had it. I didn't want to be like everyone else either. So, I named my kids Jonathan and Thomas. Normal, but not super common. They can pick their own short or nick names as they want. BUT, if I had started earlier and planned on more kids, they would have all had family surnames as middle names, starting with my maiden name as my first son's middle name, then paternal grandmother, then maternal grandmother, etc etc.

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    1. Jonathan and Thomas are awesome names. My eldest has an obscure, oddly spelled name. And while I do love his name, everyone who warned me about the problems of strange names was right on the money: it's a complete hassle to constantly correct the spelling and pronunciation of his name.

      AND GUESS WHAT?! My boys middle names are family surnames. The eldest has my maiden name, the youngest has both his maternal and paternal grandparents names!

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  3. I think Mabel IS a lovely name. Katherine Heigl really messed up because Adelaide would've been lovely as well.

    I always tried to picture my kids as adults and practice potential names on that image. It helped rule a few out.

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    1. Is it because the wanted the nickname Ada? Could they be saying the baby's name as ADA-laid? Oh. No.

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  4. Unbelievable. Poor kids. But your commentary is very funny!

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  5. I agree Keeva is a terrible name that reminds one of an artificial sweetener, but even after all this time, I cannot bring myself to bag on Willow and Westley. There must be a 12-step program for recovery.

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    1. I would feel the same way if Star Trek actors chose awful names for their children. My sympathies.

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  6. FUCK. Pilot Inspektor is TAKEN? I was hoping to name my next child that. Now everyone will think I'm a copycat.

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    1. I'm sorry for dashing your dreams. Would you consider Barkeep Yodeller? Curator Detective? Nurse Governor? The possibilities are endless.

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  7. Do you think they didn't know HOW to spell Adelaide?

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    1. YES! Lets give them the benefit of the doubt. It was simply a typo and not a conscious effort to look goofy.

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  8. P.S. There is one name here I cannot comment on publicly because I know a child by that name.

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  9. Mary, you are prob right. I know a child named, I believe, Gwenevere because her mother forgot how to spell Guinevere.

    Ilsa babysits a child named Noble. As in, an adjective. I am hoping he soon has a sister named Regal.

    On the other hand, if Elliot has his way and doesn't change his name between adolescence and adulthood, I may someday have a grandson named Tolkein. Which I kind of don't mind, because I've been conditioned by Noble and Maple and Keeva.

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    1. Noble! I actually had a great uncle with the same name, except it was spelled Nobel.

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    2. Gwenevere. Or dear. Noble!!! Awesome.

      When he was younger my son use to talk about having his own kids. Two sons, named Jim and Bonker. I fear for my future.

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