Sunday, August 26, 2012

Bow wow.

Meet Fogo, our slightly-used 3 month-old Dog Of Indeterminate Breeding. 

She and a sibling were taken from a nearby First Nations' community by a young woman after the owner said if he didn't find them homes, he was going to put them down. The mother was a German Shepherd and we assume the father was a Labrador cross. She found homes for both dogs, but last Sunday one of the new owners dumped Fogo off saying she couldn't take her anymore. She's not a bad dog, but she is a puppy.

And damn, puppies are hard work.

We brought Fogo home Monday. She's cute, she's sweet, she doesn't sleep. She's housebroken. She seldom barks and has already learned some basic commands. Also she's completely exhausting.

Friday, August 17, 2012

¡Yo Quiero Spell Check!

Whenever I see a chihuahua I'm concerned one of their buggy eyes is going to shoot out of their skull and ricochet around the room. Anyone else have this fear? NO? Just me then. Okay. Lets move along...

Is anyone surprised that chihuahuas are very popular pets? There are many ads online for this breed. Like this one:

Do you see a dog with a "crazy fun personality" who is a "super fun bundle of joy?" Or do you see a tiny, scared dog about to take a dump in that lady's hand? I don't get the appeal of chihuahuas. Sure they look cute in dresses, but what dog doesn't?

Lots of people love chihuahuas and they will not let their inability to spell "chihuahuas" temper that love.

In that person's defense, they are only looking to adopt/buy a chihuaha. It's much more annoying when the word is misspelled by someone whose home-based business is breeding chihuahuas :

When this breeder introduces his chiwawa dogs to potential buyers, he probably says "Wah-LAH." Because only fancy snobs (ie those who breed POODLES) say "Voilà." 

Here's another breeder who will not let Spanish phonics stand in their way of loving Chihauhau  puppies:

 I'm not surprised this woman can't spell chihuahua since "purebred" is also beyond her grasp: 

I can't decide if my favourite part is the way she anthropomorphizes her pur breed chiwawa as a "kid," or makes passive-aggressive digs at her human children. She is getting rid of "one of the most beautiful animals [she's] ever owned" because she has three kids and no time for dog cuddling! Those assholes. Now I am "sad a depressed."

This owner loves their dogs and hates punctuation:

Is that dog's name suppose to be Magnum? That would be brilliant. Check out the pseudo-stache on his muzzle! 

By the way, the only person cool enough to get away with "thanx," is Thomas Magnum. Everyone else should just commit to typing out both the -k and the -s. 

º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º 

Oh, yeah. That's the money shot, baby.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

From the state that brought you "Big Love:"

Do you think this looks like labia? 

Or would it be more accurate to say it looks like a vulva?

I can't decide and my husband -- in whose engineering journal I found this photo -- is being zero help with the matter.

Labial or vulvic -- let me know.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

My New Career: Wedding Planner to the Stars.

Dear Jennifer Aniston,

Congratulations on your recent engagement to Justin Theroux. On behalf of everyone who's ever watched an episode of Friends or been subjected to the portmanteau Brangelina, I'm glad we're finally going to get over this:

I'm boggled that anyone still cares about a marriage that lasted less than 5 years, and ended seven years ago.


As you get down to the business of planning a wedding, I'd like to make two suggestions about handling the groom. Firstly, explain to Justin that there is a difference between whimsy and immaturity. This is particularly important because Justin looks like the kind of guy who will decide to celebrate his nuptials by pairing a colourful pair of Converses with a tuxedo.

Secondly, do whatever is necessary to talk Justin out of wearing something similar to this:

I'm not a fan of tattoos, and the ones sported by the future-Mr Jennifer are particularly ugly. Keep 'em under wraps at all costs:

Any chance you will be having a winter wedding? Because I think you are just the woman to bring back Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan-worthy fur hats:

I can understand why you'd avoid this look.  Your hair is your signature statement. Maybe it's best to showcase your hair AND your other famous asset: your Pilates-toned legs. Here are some dresses you could consider:

Hybrids are all the rage today, so don't discount the mullet-dress look:

Have you thought about wedding cakes yet? Maybe this will inspire you:

Of course in your case, the entire cake would be composed of Power Bars.

I'll keep you updated should any more inspiration come to me. In the meantime, give Oprah a call and let her know she's out of the running for bridesmaid. Tell her I already called dibs on that honour. Be gentle with her. Send her some sipping tequila as a consolation gift.



Friday, August 10, 2012

Olympic Fever.

I'm never leaving my house again.

I say/think/write this every time we return from a trip, and it holds true for about a week. Then I forget about the chaos and the exhaustion and start planning another trip. I'm a slow learner, and a failed shut-in. But we've only just gotten home from a road trip so I'm still in my nesting/cocooning phase. Please note that I did not say we were "on vacation." This is because my husband objects to using the phrase to describe trips to see family members. These are "visits" or "trips" or "exhausting four-day long car rides to attend huge family reunions," but they are not leisurely or restorative adventures. Hence they are not "vacations."

In addition to sitting in the car eating snacks, and listening to audiobooks, I have also been watching a lot of Olympic coverage. Here now are...

10 Things I Want To Get Off My Chest. The Olympic Version:

1. A gold medal should be awarded to any fashion designer who creates an Opening Ceremony uniform that doesn't make the athletes look like flight attendants or realtors. Automatic disqualification for abusing head gear.

2. I really like Usain Bolt. Granted he's a cocky bastard, but he's a cocky bastard who put Carl Lewis in his place. Christ. I can't stand Carl Lewis.

3. My 8 year old thinks that rhythmic dance gymnastics would be improved if the women used bludgers. I agree.

4. Sports that are not open to both men and women are a joke. Yes, synchronized swimming and rhythmic gymnastics, I'm looking at you.

5. I have no issue with the regulation bikinis worn by beach volleyball players. They're wearing as little as most track and field athletes AND they're not wearing garish makeup and sequins. Yes, synchronized swimmers and rhythmic gymnasts, I'm still looking at you.

6. I propose that in 2016 the equestrian events be altered so that humans run alongside the horses and do all their own running and jumping. I just don't see how the current system is fair considering the animals do all the work, but their passengers get all the glory.

7. Did you see the Canada women's soccer team react to some questionable refereeing during their match with the USA? Damn. They were pissed off. And it was totally justified and utterly awesome -- I love when gender and national stereotypes are proven false.  Do not mess with Sinclair.

8. "His arms are going to pop out of their sockets!" I think every time I watch weightlifting. Needless to say, I seldom watch weightlifting.

9. Adam van Koeverden is ridiculously handsome.

10. Pulling coloured balls out of a sac seems like a questionable way to resolve a tie match. To that end, I just can't get excited about Carol Huynh's bronze medal in wrestling, even though I know she could snap me half.