Friday, October 19, 2012

On second thought, Indiana isn't such a bad name.



Things were very tense yesterday here at the Institute for the Mockery of Celebrity Spawn Monikers as we plugged "Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson" into our Zuma-Mowgli-Inspektor-Apple-Moxie-Crimefighter Algorithim. Here's the break down of Luna's names:

Hyphenated surname: +5 points

Superfluous middle names: +30 points
10 points each for Arkadine, Altalune, Florence

Vowel saturation of all given names: +17 points
Rosalind,Vowels: 3
Arusha, Vowels: 3
Arkadine, Vowels: 4
Altalune, Vowels: 4
Florence, Vowels: 3

Place names:  +20 points
Florence, Italy 
Arusha, Tanzania

Name commonly associated with well-known literary character: +20 points
Rosalind, As You Like It
Luna, Harry Potter series

Name associated with obscure, unsavoury literary character: +25 points
Arkadina, The Seagull

Misappropriating name from another culture: +20 points
Arusha

Using name commonly associated with the opposite gender: +10 points
Arusha

Name sounds like it could be a product found in a health food store to combat side effects of my womanly moon cycle: +10 points
Altalune

Choosing shortly after birth to call the child by a nickname instead of one of her legal names: +15 points
Luna

Using nickname with only the faintest connection to the child's many, many given names: +50 points
Luna is derived from Altalune

Justifying use of names with a version of the self-serving "The names mean something to us" song and dance: +10 points

Inventing a faintly ethnic or exotic name that is really meaningless: +10 points
Altalune

Saying the child's name out loud makes my lips go tingly: +10 points

Final score: 252 reasons for me to roll my eyes.  Rosalind, by the way, is a lovely, lovely name. 

9 comments:

  1. BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

    I love that they picked this completely insane name JUST BECAUSE I knew the post about it would be awesome and brilliant, and you did not disappoint.

    "Name sounds like it could be a product found in a health food store to combat side effects of my womanly moon cycle: +10" made me guffaw loudly despite it being naptime.

    ReplyDelete
  2. OMG, I would definitely buy a women's product called Altalune. Hilarious!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I saw this news somewhere else today, and I was like, "Nan will TOTALLY have something to say about this!"

    You never disappoint.

    Do celebrities get different birth certificates than us plebians? Because I don't recall having so many spaces available when I named my kids.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think I *have* a product called Altalune.

    ReplyDelete
  5. My daughter said "Luna Lovegood!" which is kind of a perfect image after reading all those crazy names together. When that poor child has to fill in "full name" on any certificate, she is going to curse her (3-letter-name) mama.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I ADORE this. Thank you for the laugh :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I agree with Emma.

    Luna rhymes with Uma. I think that's intentional and will lead to some confusion around the house. Luna is pretty, but it makes me think of "lunatic". Alas, her actual name also brings that to mind.

    RAAAFT-B is also unpleasant. I wonder what the next generation will name their kids.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Kevin - I think they will name their kids things like Mary and John!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. or perhaps (gasp!) things like Kevin, Emma, or Nicole

      Delete