Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Good, The Bad, The Mullets. A Look At the Sexiest Men of Days Gone By.

My how time flies. It's already THAT time of the year. THAT special time when bloggers come together, Twitter is invigorated and I feel free to objectify men. Yes, it's time for People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive issue.

In anticipation of the announcement on November 16, let's revisit the winners of yesteryear. Did they deserve the title then? Have they lived up to their sexy potential?

1. The Inaugural Edition:


The year was 1985 and Mel Gibson was 29 years old. He was famous for starring in the Mad Max movies and not because he told the mother of his child that "You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of [REDACTED], it will be your fault" or threaten that "I am going to come and burn the fucking house down. But you will blow me first." Yes, it was a simpler time. We didn't know that Gibson addressed female police officers as sugar tits. He'd not yet confessed to believing that "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."

Based upon all of this, plus the fact that his ears are now really large (when did THAT happen?), I rate Gibson an F.

2. The Sexist Men Alive Who Are No Longer Alive:

I never found John F. Kennedy Jr  -- or any Kennedy man -- sexy. When Kennedy's marriage was announced in 1996, I was in a room full of American women and they lamented missing their chance to marry into Camelot. Maybe you've got to be an American to appreciate his family's mythology or look passed the Lego hair? Who knows. Based on the hair, his bedding of Darryl Hannah, the circumstances of his death, and his general non-sexiness, he gets a C.

Let's not remember Patrick Swayze for his role as a statutory rapist who grooms an awkward teenage "Baby" in Dirty Dancing. Instead focus upon his romantic role in Ghost, his classic self-deprecating appearance as a Chippendale Dancer on SNL, and the fact that he was happily married to one woman for 34 years. The man could dance and he rocked the mullet like no one before or since. Verdict: B+

3. The Four Sexiest Men Alive Who Are Living Up To The Title:
Mark Harmon is getting better with age. A

Denzel Washington is the only African American to win the title. REALLY!? He is aging beautifully. A

When it comes to Harrison Ford, my loins are being unduly influenced by residual lust from his Indiana Jones and Star Wars years. Nonetheless: A

Pierce Brosnan is magic. He's so pretty and -- as I've confessed before -- my love of men with Irish accents is encoded in my DNA. A+


 4. The Repeaters:
In 1993 Richard Gere won as one half of the Sexiest Couple Alive, but won the title in 1999 as a solo act. Then as now, I don't find Gere sexy. This is because I had never heard of him until he played a john in "Pretty Woman." First impressions are lasting.

As I get further into this category you will see that I'm not averse to actors who use their status and power and money to back political causes about which they are passionate and informed. But Gere's stridency is off-putting. I'm giving him a C+.

Know who does political activism well? Clooney.

Clooney looked better in 2006 than in his first appearance in 1997, but lately he's been looking harsh. But sexy. Personally I wouldn't touch him without a note from the Centers for Disease Control.  For keeping his hair gray, his shit private and his political causes well-funded: A-

Neither of these covers (from 1995 & 2000) do justice to Brad Pitt. In the first one he looks stoned. In the second one he looks like he donated his eyelids to medical science. BLINK, SHARK BOY! Based not on these photos, but on fond memories of Thelma & Louise, the fact that I like his politics and that he appears to be a good dad, Pitt is getting a B.


These photos of Johnny Depp + his Wino Forever tattoo + he wears a lot of make up on the red carpet + enough with the SCARVES ALREADY!! = C

5. The Were-The-Editors-Drunk-The-Year-These-Men-Were-Chosen? Sexiest Men:

Harry Hamelin won in 1987. This makes no sense. The order of Sexy Men on LA Law was Jimmy Smits, Blair Underwood, Corbin Bernsen, Michael Tucker THEN Harry Hamelin. I don't think Hamelin warranted the title in 1987. Since then he's gone on to a smattering of low profile roles, starred in a realty tv show with his  wife, and made a commercial for adult diapers. Score: C 

Nick Nolte's publicists circa 1992 really earned their keep. Know what's not sexy? Rape jokes and DUIs. Score: F

In 1990 Tom Cruise was already a member of Scientologists. Nothing is sexy about mind-control cults, hence: F 

6. The Bostonians: 

Matt Damon looks like crap on cracker here. Did he just miss a flight to Regina for a big sales meeting? Is he stuck in the Winnipeg Airport while that upstart Gary from Fort McMurray schmoozes the new regional director in charge of pumpjack reclamation sales. "GOD DAMN IT, WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!?" Damon thinks to himself as he drinks yet another dirty martini at the airport bar and pulls at the knot in his tie.

Damon's been married for a while, never made a sex tape, and didn't date J.Lo. He gets an A.

There's dramatic license, and then there's revisionist history. The latter one is not sexy. For making a movie about the Canadian Caper while minimizing and belittling the efforts of Canadians to save American diplomats in Tehran, Ben Affleck gets a D.

Asshole.

7. The Non-Threatening Sexiest Men: 

Please note, the title was awarded to a pre-Shagging-the-Nanny and a pre-Impregnating-Random-"Models" Jude Law, circa 2004. These are not sexy things. Plus he's such a metro-sexual man and he's had hair plugs. D-

As a Canadian citizen and a resident of British Columbia, my tolerance for pot heads is pretty high. But even I find Matthew McConaughey's stoner philosophies grating. B

Ryan Reynolds. He's the only Canadian on the list, and he was stellar in Smokin' Aces. He's funny, cute and possibly smarter than he looks: A-

Bradley Cooper. I stand by my assessment from last year. He gets a C and a Milk Bone.

8. Hey, Grandpa. 


Sean Connery is a handsome man. But handsome doesn't always mean "sexy," especially when handsome is old and handsome says "I don't think there is anything particularly wrong in hitting a woman, though I don't recommend you do it the same way that you hit a man." D

9. An Australian Who Does Not Embarrass His Fellow Aussies:



Hugh Jackman is perfection -- what more needs to be said. A+

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Now let's look to the future. Who do you think should win the title in 2012?





17 comments:

  1. I can't possibly comment on everything about this that is fabulous and hilarious, because the comment would be as long as the original post.

    So - I love you, I love this, and Hugh Jackman is indeed perfection.

    Nick Nolte?????

    Mark Whalberg should win. Forty-one and so sexy. Or Ryan Gosling. I know Channing Tatum is the probable winner this year and that would not displease me, as he's able to laugh at himself (21 Jump Street was very funny) and, you know, beefcake. :p

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    1. I don't know anything about Channing Tatum -- this is because I'm an old lady. And because I'm saving myself for Colin Farrell.

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  2. Donated his eyelids to medical science. !!!
    I belly laughed! My hubs came in and said, "Why are you looking at Hugh Jackman?" and then he said, "You know when his wife found out he won, she wasn't impressed, said they obviously din't know him." SO. His wife wins! Makes me love him & HER all the more!

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    1. I think that the real selection process hinges greatly on the actor agreeing to accept the award and do publicity. But certainly if public opinion is anything to go on, RDJ would have won this years ago.

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  4. I love this post and I just don't know where to begin. Hugh Jackman is my honey bunch, especially as Wolverine. I'm glad you gave Matt Damon an A because after he won the SMA he gave it back, with a three page article on why Tom Brady should get the title, and not him. Just because of that he should win every year.

    Nick Nolte won? How?

    Brad Pitt has gotten way better with age. Ditto Denzel Washington and George Clooney. I like the grey. But not fifty shades of it.

    Richard Gere is just gross.

    Last comment - NO ONE PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER. While I don't find him attractive, he sure could dance. I think he also used to be a football player, which is a fun fact.

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    1. I actually do recall the very brief period of time after Prince of Tides when Nick Nolte was considered hawt. We have Barbra Streisand to thank for this. Or should that be 'blame?'

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  5. I so admire people who have the energy to put this kind of post together - I was exhausted just trying to put those seven stupid mustache photos in the right order yesterday. I agree with almost everything except Corbin Bernson ICK and Sean Connery with a "la la la I can't HEAR you". Richard Gere should get a D on his movie choices alone. My Autumn in New York anecdote is that I was on a plane back from Morocco and sick as a dog and I couldn't stop sniffling and I was horrified that people might think I was crying at the movie (because it was sad, not at the horrific waste of time, celluloid and millions of dollars).

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    1. Please note that the list is not in chronological order. That was beyond me after finding, downloading and formatting all the covers.

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  6. I had such a crush on Mel Gibson when I was 12 (it was 1982), rarely has a childhood crush gone so very far wrong. Hell, my tween crush on the lead singer of Duran Duran isn't as embarrassing to me now as Mel Gibson. F indeed.

    Is it wrong that I mentally read your Matt Damon internal monologue in a Boston accent?

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    1. I use to like Prince. That's even MORE embarrassing.

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  7. I love Hugh Jackman. Have you heard him sing? Go look up Oklahoma on youtube. A musical version of the X-Men (or at least Wolverine) is HIGH on my list of things that need to happen in this world before I die. Perhaps I should put "a date with Hugh Jackman" on my Christmas list this year.... come on Santa!!

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    1. Have you seen him sing AND dance. The man is a marvel!

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  8. HOW do you compile all this amazing stuff?!? It's amazing!

    Did Sean Connery really say that about hitting women? Boo.
    I can't think of Richard Gere without thinking of gerbils.
    Patrick Swayze also did Roadhouse, which is documented to be one of the Best Movies EVER.

    I find these awards stupid and annoying because they focus on looks only; which is completely contrary to my general opinion that celebrities should speak only when they have a script and look pretty the rest of the time.

    Hugh Jackman is a hottie.

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    1. @Deb -- Twitter has convinced me that most actors are too thick to be trusted speaking or writing or thinking in public without first consulting with a professional writer.

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    2. …and I really wish I didn't get the gerbil reference. But sadly -- horrifically -- I do.

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  9. My favourite category is Were-The-Editors-Drunk-The-Year-These-Men-Were-Chosen. I agree with you 100%

    Hugh is pretty good looking, but it's his talent, unwillingness to humour pathetic comments about how his wife isn't a super model, and the fact that he adopted kids who aren't perfect little blue eyed, blond headed children that make him stand out for me.

    And, am I the only one who thinks that Ryan Reynold's eyes are too close?

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