Monday, April 1, 2013

Things that make Canada great: toques, poutine, Ryan Gosling, gay marriages.

Just a reminder to my fellow Canadians that a new amendment to the Civil Marriage Act goes into effect on this, the first day of April.

Under Section 5 of the act (formerly known as Bill c-38), all Canadians have the right to enter into a same sex union AND an opposite sex union simultaneously. This amelioration is a step forward in the name of equal rights and will be a great boon to the Canadian wedding industry.  But it's important that we familiarize ourselves with the new regulations. For the benefit of all, I'll explain it using illustrations of famous Canadians:

Rachel McAdams is legally entitled to marry Ryan Gosling.


Rachel McAdams is also legally entitled to marry Celine Dion.


Under Section 5 of the Civil Marriage Act, Rachel is now allowed to have two spouses at one time, provided they are of different sexes.
Furthermore, while married to Rachel, Ryan Gosling is free to marry Nathan Fillion.

If Ryan Gosling doesn't wish to marry Nathan Fillion (which is ridiculous since Nathan probably gives amazing birthday presents and sublime full body massages) he is not obliged to do so. But Ryan Gosling can not convert his right for ONE same-sex marriage into a SECOND opposite-sex marriage.Translation: if Ryan cruelly rejects the love of Nathan, he can NOT take Celine as wife #2, because he's still married to Rachel. It's one vagina or the other. Or one vagina and one penis.

The same goes for Rachel McAdams. If she decided to divorce Celine Dion, she couldn't replace her with Nathan. Hence:
This change in marital law does not alter the long standing rule that marriages between Canadian citizens and people of other nationalities are not legally binding in Canada. Ergo:


In a related development, the Canadian flag is being revised to look like this:



Please keep in mind that Rachel (and all Canadians) are not obliged to enter into a second marriage -- or even a first marriage -- of either persuasion. But they are obliged to celebrate April Fool's Day.

6 comments:

  1. I read and re-read this several times, all confused, and clearly did not see the April Fool's reminder...

    That is a TERRIBLE picture of Celine Dion

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    Replies
    1. But it's the BEST picture of Ryan Gosling.

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    2. I googled Celine intending to just use a regular photo but one of the options was a collection of Celine Dion Funny Faces collection. There are a lot. A LOT!

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  2. OH MY GOSH, you really had me going!

    Ryan Gosling....MMmmmmm....

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  3. In my defense, I did just spend half the day on an airplane. But considering all the April Foolery I just saw on Facebook, that seems like a pretty lame excuse. Is it sad that the first thing that made me really suspicious was how complimentary you were about Nathan Fillion?

    ReplyDelete