Thursday, July 11, 2013

Girl Detectives.

I have decided to write a series of children's books.

They will be about two sisters, Birdie and Cricket, who live in depression-era [note to self: do research and confirm that this term refers to the 1930s] New York City [note to self: maybe you should chose a city you've visited and not one you only know from watching every single episode of Seinfeld, Law & Order and Friends]. The girls are complete opposites. One is dark haired, the other blonde. One is bookish, the other impulsive. One loud, one quiet. One has glasses, the other a cyber-netic eye...hmm -- okay, maybe I'll work on that one. My point: they are different but, share a close bond.

Birdie and Cricket are amateur detectives and have many adventures as they solve crimes. Since these are books aimed at children, the crimes will not be particularly violent, and only truly evil people will die. Each novel will have a happy ending, plus an element of soft social commentary. Such as:
                   "being poor is not very nice," or
                    "it's wrong to judge someone by their skin colour," or
                    "the correct response to Hitler's rise to power is neither appeasement
                    nor isolationism," or
                   "women can be trusted to make informed choices about their reproductive organs."

My stories will be fun and educational.

Joining Birdie and Cricket  are various friends and family. There is a street smart doorman who is a recent immigrant. He's Italian and to make sure this doesn't escape my reader's attention I will-a write-a all-a his-a dialogue like-a dis, capisce? Endiamo! Venti cappucino! Grande latte! Vermicilli! Bunga bunga! Birdie and Cricket's father is an American business tycoon who didn't lose a cent during Black Tuesday, so the girls remain safely ensconced in their upper middle class lifestyle. Their mother is from England and she's a naturalist [note to self: confirm this is term for someone who studies nature and is not euphemism for nudist] and will be posh, but lovingly attentive. Their father's mother lives with them. She is a straight-talking, former-suffragette with a colourful past & undeniable joie de vivre.

Of course, in my book "Birdie" and "Cricket" are nicknames. No sensible parent would curse a child -- who will one day be an adult and want to be taken seriously -- with a legal name that is so lacking in gravitas that it makes her the object of mockery while still an infant. The girls in my books are really called Bridget and Catherine. Or maybe Bernadette and Camille. But not Birdie and Cricket, because a parent who chose these as legal names would have to be:
                  a.) a fool, and/or
                  b.) so rich their daughters would never need to find a job, and/or
                  c.) Busy Phillips.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Shall I mark you down for an advance copy of "Birdie and Cricket and the Pimp Who Preyed on Human Weakness?"

[Special thanks to Allysha and Beck for the inspiration. When I'm a famous writer I'll think of you fondly and refer to you as "salt of the earth people who I use to know".]


  1. Please put me down for two copies - one autographed to "My dearest friend Judy. Couldn't have done this without her incredible support". That's the one I'll keep in perfect condition and eventually auction off for massive amounts of money when you are even more famous than J. K. Rowling.

    Birdie and Cricket are silly names but what can really top North West?

  2. Nicknames = adorable...real names not so much. Plus Cricket reminds me of my early days watching Young & The Restless...hours I cannot get back.

    1. YES! I have never even watching Young and The Restless but that's my association, too.

  3. Oh sign me up please!! You perfectly pegged it--Birdie and Cricket are total WASP nicknames for Bridget and Catherine, not real names. However, I always love your baby name posts.

  4. SIGN ME UP, BABY. I want a signed copy, pretty please.

  5. Bwahahahahaha! This was awesome. Please actually write these books. Please!

  6. Soft social commentary points three and four nearly did me in. Hoping to receive and advanced copy of your first installment as soon as possible...

    Good grief, you're funny.
    And I will buy multiple copies, of course.
    - Beck