This post is a parody, written in the style of the original.
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Dear blogger, let Kim from Roadkill Goldfish be a lesson to you.
Yes, this is what happens when your post goes viral.
This is what happens when people fawn over one post -- out of 10 -- on a quiet, little blog.
This is what happens when a professional editor has never said the word “no,” told you to rework a blog post before clicking publish, or pointed out that it's hypocritical to blast Miley Cyrus for attention-seeking behaviour by publishing an SEO-goldmine-of-a-post and then giving media interviews about why it is wrong to seek the validation of strangers.
Do you not understand irony? Are you completely lacking in self-awareness? Are you aware that you missed the big picture with regards to Miley? Why didn't you use this opportunity to discuss what really matters? And no, that is not Syria. Yes, the civil war in Syria is awful but it's a complicated, nuanced situation. It's best that we don't rush to act but instead let the United Nations lead the way. We must learn from the debacle of Iran, circa 2002. Rather you should have blogged about how girls -- and boys, but mostly girls since Miley Cyrus is being criticized while Robin Thicke gets a pass -- are simultaneously expected to be sexually aware and empowered AND shamed for being sexually aware and empowered.I will smack any digital advertising company, or blog conference organizer, or Good Morning, America anchor or Quarterly Co executive whom you approach with your newly elevated media profile.
Why would I do that? Because I love you and I want you to respect yourself. You are not edgy or cool or sexy. You have a mommy-blog. You are a middle-aged, middle-class woman with an unsavoury hobby screaming for attention. Notice me! Tell me I’m pretty! See how clever I am! I know all the HuffPo readers want me. All the GOMIers want to be me. I'm going to have my own hate site. Just like Dooce and Pioneer Woman!
You probably know bloggers who will emulate your post on Babble. Ugh. Babble -- don’t go anywhere with those people. You are far too valuable to sell yourself to Disney. Miley sold herself to Disney and look how that ended. Walk away. Let the readers gawk and know in your heart that they will forget you and your post. Like they've forgotten that blogger in Florida who lied about her kid being harassed at Walmart. And the beautiful Samantha Brick. And the mom who thinks Princeton is THE place to score a husband. Like we forgot about the Maybe-Gay Kid and his mom. And the Tiger Mom!
Dear blogger, I am going to fight or die trying to keep you from becoming like the Roadkill Goldfishes of the world.
You can thank me later. Or twerk in my honour. Your call.