Thursday, August 29, 2013

Dear Blogger.

This post is a parody, written in the style of the original.

• • • • • • • • • •

Dear blogger, let Kim from Roadkill Goldfish be a lesson to you.

Yes, this is what happens when your post goes viral.

This is what happens when people fawn over one post -- out of 10 -- on a quiet, little blog.

This is what happens when a professional editor has never said the word “no,” told you to rework a blog post before clicking publish, or pointed out that it's hypocritical to blast Miley Cyrus for attention-seeking behaviour by publishing an SEO-goldmine-of-a-post and then giving media interviews about why it is wrong to seek the validation of strangers.

Bloggers, if you ever even consider writing something like that, I promise you that I will duct tape oven mitts over your hands so that you can not type another post. I will make you sit on the chesterfield next to me and watch Murder, She Wrote reruns. I will serve you ouzo and club soda until you are nicely buzzed and then I will look at you and say:
Do you not understand irony? Are you completely lacking in self-awareness? Are you aware that you missed the big picture with regards to Miley? Why didn't you use this opportunity to discuss what really matters? And no, that is not Syria. Yes, the civil war in Syria is awful but it's a complicated, nuanced situation. It's best that we don't rush to act but instead let the United Nations lead the way. We must learn from the debacle of Iran, circa 2002. Rather you should have blogged about how girls -- and boys, but mostly girls since Miley Cyrus is being criticized while Robin Thicke gets a pass -- are simultaneously expected to be sexually aware and empowered AND shamed for being sexually aware and empowered.
I will smack any digital advertising company, or blog conference organizer, or Good Morning, America anchor or Quarterly Co executive whom you approach with your newly elevated media profile.

Why would I do that? Because I love you and I want you to respect yourself. You are not edgy or cool or sexy. You have a mommy-blog. You are a middle-aged, middle-class woman with an unsavoury hobby screaming for attention. Notice me! Tell me I’m pretty! See how clever I am! I know all the HuffPo readers want me. All the GOMIers want to be me. I'm going to have my own hate site. Just like Dooce and Pioneer Woman!

You probably know bloggers who will emulate your post on Babble. Ugh. Babble -- don’t go anywhere with those people. You are far too valuable to sell yourself to Disney. Miley sold herself to Disney and look how that ended. Walk away. Let the readers gawk and know in your heart that they will forget you and your post. Like they've forgotten that blogger in Florida who lied about her kid being harassed at Walmart. And the beautiful Samantha Brick. And the mom who thinks Princeton is THE place to score a husband. Like we forgot about the Maybe-Gay Kid and his mom. And the Tiger Mom!

Dear blogger, I am going to fight or die trying to keep you from becoming like the Roadkill Goldfishes of the world.

You can thank me later. Or twerk in my honour. Your call.




  1. Very perceptive, Nan. I read the Open Letter and thought it was rather pedestrian. Surprised to see it being made into such a big deal.

    When I saw the performance, my first thought was "I wonder if Robin Thicke will get in trouble with his wife for acting like that."

    Okay, maybe not my FIRST thought. But it was in there, along with the horror at seeing so much of her tongue. Because EW.

    1. Yup -- I also can't figure out why that tepid little post went viral. According to her twitter account, over 3.2 million people have read it.

      I'd seen the video for whatever the song was that Miley sang (and I can't even be bothered to google it that is how little I care) and was therefore not at all surprised by the content of that performance. Except for the Beetlejuice suit on Thicke.

  2. This is the first I've seen of this letter. Huh. I've been kind of ignoring the whole Miley Cyrus thing me it doesn't seem any more scandalous than any other VMA thing. Hey, I was watching a documentary on the 80s (no, really, it was good) and there was a part about Madonna performing Like a Virgin on the VMAs and it was the most shocking thing anyone had ever seen! Seems tame now, which makes me wonder if we'll see this in 30 years and people will be all "How tame. She had a foam finger? And not an actual dildo?" Meh, I can't care. I'm getting old.

    1. Absolutely. t's like those graphic Don't Drink and Drive ads. They lose their effectiveness because we grow accustomed to the gore.