Monday, September 30, 2013

Bok. Bok. Bok. BOK!

Recipe for Backyard Chicken Casserole:

1 carcass of a retired laying hen
250 mL tears of empathetic hipsters

Place both in a crockpot for 8 hours. 

Serve hot on a bed of greens from your local CSA box.

• • • • • • 

Until I read this article, I was unaware that urban hipsters were not killing their backyard hens once they ceased laying eggs. Call me naive, but I figured that a person who was willing to step (however shallowly) into the world of animal husbandry would quickly lose all their romantic, juvenile notions about animals. How wrong I was. Hipsters are surrendering their hens to the SPCA, and chicken refuges.

Before you buy hens, my hipster friend, consider the entire life span of the birds. Don't limit your research to spending hours on pinterest looking at funky hen houses or chicken coops for your backyard. Think about the shit. Literally. Know that your birds are not going to conveniently pass away of natural causes seconds after they lay one final egg for your consumption.

I'm tempted to place this ad on Kijiji:
Need to find a new home for your old, non-productive laying hens? I will take them. No judgement. No questions.  I will welcome them into my own private chicken refuge, aka my belly. 
However, I am lazy and allergic to bird feathers. This is why I don't have urban chickens in the first place. I'd feel slightly ashamed to make this confession except I'm too busy judging these damn hipsters. They are making my whole generation look bad.

The original chicken-loving hipster.




8 comments:

  1. RIGHT? I know SO MANY people who are doing the whole backyard chicken thing. Truly, an alarming amount of people. In a Venn diagram, much of the "backyard chicken" circle would overlap with the "encapsulate placenta" circle, if you know what I mean here. But I'm PRETTY sure they don't have an axe and a stump in the backyard with which to chop off the head, and I'm pretty sure they aren't plucking and cleaning the carcass and having a fried chicken feast later. In fact, I'm pretty sure none of them are doing this. It's sad, really. It's like when people used to give baby chicks as gifts at Easter. Hmm...can't see the flaw in that at all. Or when 101 Dalmations came out and Dalmation puppies were all the rage, but no one really knew what kind of active, high strung dogs Dalmations were. DO YOUR RESEARCH PEOPLE.

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    1. In a Venn diagram, much of the "backyard chicken" circle would overlap with the "encapsulate placenta" circle, -- hahahahah. Also: ewwwww.


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  2. I read an article that said some people simply "release" their chickens, i.e. dump them by the side of the road somewhere. Most big humane societies charge "release fees" to take in pets and these hipster cheapskates don't want to pay them. I think local food banks should advertise for them to be taken there.

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    1. Someone on twitter mentioned she knows a woman who released her into the wild. Like they have a hope in hell of surviving? As if they can now return to their natural habitat and join the free range chickens that once swarmed across North America before Europeans showed up? Ridiculous.

      The food bank idea sounds great.

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  3. I barked with laughter at your tweet about backyard chicken casserole. Husband asked what I was reading and then cracked up. He grew up rural and is . . . unsentimental about food animals (cats and dogs are another matter and one of the things I loved about him when we met).

    Backyard chickens are HUGE where I live and (probably because I grew up and currently live urban) I never even considered what hipsters would do with the chickens once they stopped laying. I'm going to guess that most of the hipsters never thought that far ahead either. "Releasing" them on the side of the road is some bullshit. Some people wear me out.

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    1. I have discovered something else: hipsters give their chickens names. Yes. NAMING THEM. And this right there is why they can't kill them.

      I do know some local people who have chickens. They're a very self-sufficicent couple who grow a lot of their own food, and hunt game and who use their hens for meat once their laying days are over. And they don't name those birds. For a damn fine reason.

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  4. You could post the craigslist ad in Swedish Chef. "You put da chicky wicky in the potty wotty bork bork" I like pictures of chickens and the taste of chickens but actual chickens kind of freak me out, except the "fancy" kind that look like David Bowie. I love those ones.

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    1. HAHAHAHA. That made me laugh.

      I do not know the David Bowie hens! Though I do think every rooster looks a little bit like Mick Jagger.

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