Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder/luster.

I'm tempted to apologize to Bradley Cooper for the skewering I gave him two years ago when he was named People's Sexiest Man Alive in 2011. I still think he's a gregarious, horny, golden retriever. However, subsequent Sexiest Man Alive editions have been particularly disappointing. In light of this, Bradley doesn't seem so bad.

This year's winner is Adam Levine. The news leaked a few weeks ago and I wasn't too, too upset. Don't get me wrong: Levine is gross, but I had high hopes that the rest of the list would make up for him. My theory is that the "official" winner is the candidate whose publicist agrees to People Magazine's request for a personal interview and photoshoot, and agrees not to slag off the 'competition' when the winner is announced. The real sexy men fill out the top 12 list. 

My theory has been blown to bits by the inclusion of several questionable men on the newly published list. All the same I did my best to objectify them and suggest what kind of  Love Sandwich (in the manner of Oprah for Steadman) they each deserve:

1. Adam Levine
I'm not sullying my blog with pictures of this fool.

Love Sandwich: 8 kinds of ham slathered in 12 types of cheese, between two dried out white flour tortillas.

2. Idris Elba
I would kick him out for eating a Love Sandwich in bed, just so I could watch him crawl back in. 

Love Sandwich: Sausage, and -- nothing. JUST SAUSAGE!

3. Luke Bryan
I had never heard of this man, and so decided to listen to one of his songs: That's My Kind of Night. Ninety seconds into that video he'd already mentioned beer, his truck, and beautiful women. MR BRYAN, WHY NO MENTION OF HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR COUNTRY? IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE A STEREOTYPICAL, MANUFACTURED COUNTRY SINGER YOU NEED TO HIT ALL THE POINTS IN THE TOBY KEITH PLAYBOOK!

I'm sorry about going all capitals on you, interwebs readers, but I have very strong feelings about certain topics.

And while I was typing that last line, the song (which is still playing) referenced farming and fishing. I'm going to listen to some Johnny Cash and try to scrub that nonsense from my brain.

Love Sandwich: hot dog bun with catfish, Kraft processed cheese and American mustard. Thirty seconds in the microwave to make it flaccid and nauseating.

4. Jimmy Fallon
Well played, People Magazine. Jimmy is smart and nice. He's happily married and dotes on his new daughter. So sexy!

Love Sandwich: a lobster roll for this Boston boy. Said as "lobstah," of course. 

5. Bruno Mars
He is adorable! Doesn't he seem like someone who worked hard to achieve success and is not cynical or pessimisstic? That's very sexy. However I'm the kind of woman who wants her Sexiest Man Alive to also look good in a wool sweater, while drinking scotch and building a fire. Bruno doesn't check any of these boxes.

Love Sandwich: Bruno is from Hawaii, so instead of making him a Love Sandwich I'm just going to take him to the 808 Deli in Kihei, Maui. We'll order something off the menu and have a couple of beers. 808 Deli -- best sandwiches on the planet, people. 

6. Jonathan and Drew Scott
They're Canadian! I am giving them points for that! They're handsome! I'm trying not to dwell on how weird it is for grown men to be defined as one half of a sibling set.

Love Sandwich: poutine in a cruller with Montreal smoked beef. On the side: a double-double.

7. Justin Timberlake
What the fuck?! Is it 2006? No. It is not. It's seven years AFTER Justin hit peak sexiness, and hence his presence on this list smacks of My Publicists Are Desperate To Keep Me In The Limelight syndrome.

Love Sandwich: day old bacon on stale bread.

8. Chris Pine
I love him. What kind of Trekkie would I be otherwise?

Love Sandwich: I will take two slices of artisanal bread, layer on gouda, brie, havarti (my favourite), thin slices of tomato, avocado, a course European mustard and drizzle it with a balsamic vinaigrette reduction. I will press it long and hard on low heat in a panini press and enjoy leisurely.

9. Pharrell Williams
In the write up on the People list there is a quote from an Interview Magazine piece about Pharrell. He refers to himself in the third person. Ugh. 

For the record Nan the person likes Pharrell because her children make her listen to the Despicable Me soundtracks  (which features his music) all the time and they're not half bad.

Love Sandwich: a bánh mì. There's no ulterior meaning to this selection. These just look really tasty. 

10. Ronan Farrow
Lots of twitter-using ladies love him. Not me. I suspect he has mommy issues AND daddy issues. Tread carefully ladies/men.

Love Sandwich: ice cream sandwich. To be enjoyed at top speed before it melts into a sticky puddle in your hand and messes up your upholstery.

11. Justin Theroux
In a list thick with badly/oddly tattooed men, Theroux and his prison tatts top the list. But only this respect. 

Love Sandwich: Gyro. Let's face it -- he's probably not getting a lot (of anything) over at chez Aniston.

12. David Beckham
Intellectually I know he's a handsome man, but he does nothing for me. Mostly because of his rumoured philandering, and his well-known idiocy. I do love  it when he's photographed with his daughter -- he's so attentive and sweet with her and that makes me like him. 

Love Sandwich: a fluffernutter. A substantially-sized fluffernutter.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 

Who do you think is the Sexiest Man, Dead or Alive? 


  1. You got in there early and you KILLED it, Nan. I don't know how any of us are going to top this. You are brilliant and I love you.

    I had to google FAR TOO MANY of these. Because I am old.
    That Justin dude looks like he is a competition for the worlds longest eye brow.
    This really was a VERY FUN post.
    And Chris Pine's sandwich will have me giggling all day. Because I am also a 13 year old boy.

  3. It shows how little attention I pay to men that I only recognized 4 names on this list: Jimmy Fallon, Chris Pine, Justin Timberlake and David Beckham. The rest are complete mysteries to me.

    Hey, where in Kihei is 808 Deli? I'll check it out next time I'm there -- always looking for good places to eat in Maui.

  4. I love the sandwich idea. I don't know if I can possibly do a post now, because the sandwiches are just so wonderful. I disagree with you about JT though (Timberlake, I realize now that there are a couple JT's). He's a little young for my tastes but I think he's pretty cool because he's funny and self-effacing and he would probably eat my vegan sandwiches because he's vegan - and now I realize that I sound just crazy. BUT STILL. I like JT.

    I'm with Lyn on this, most of these guys I couldn't pick out of a lineup. I don't like Beckham or Levine, part of it is they look douchey, part of it is they have way too many tattoos for my tastes.

  5. Sexiest men (dead version): Cary Grant and Humphrey Bogart. Alive: Sidney Poitier. Doesn't that just show how old I am! From this list: a tie between Idris Elba and Chris Pine. Had to google some of these guys as I'd never heard of them. Guess my idea of sexy is far different from People magazine because other than IE, CP and David Beckham none of the rest got my tingly bits tingling.

  6. Love, love, love your sandwich choices, PERFECT on all counts. A disappointing list, for me, this year - to many young pups, not enough real men. Of these, only Idris and Chris Pine really make me swoon, and I do think Bruno is adorable like a snuggly wuggly kitten. He'd make a good boyfriend...FOR MY DAUGHTERS.

    Perhaps Good Housekeeping could start making a Sexiest Man list for The Aging.

  7. I AM SO GLAD I WROTE MY POST BEFORE I READ YOURS. This is dazzling. Also, I would like that Chris Pine Sandwich. SOUNDS GOOD.