Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Glamour gets it (mostly) right.

Usually I can stretch out People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive list into two or three posts. Not this year. It was full of men with questionable tattoos and off-putting public personas.  The only men on who got my pulse racing and made me dream of Love Sandwiches were Chris Pine and Idris Elba. Allow me to refresh your memory:




The list also made me question my ability to lust after random men (who I really would not chose over my own patient, loving, funny, handsome husband).  Or, maybe -- I thought to myself -- I need to stop watching shows produced in the 1980s and start watching more contemporary entertainment? That way I would know more "celebrities." So I have. I'm now watching "The Thick of It" and "Arrow." Both are very good, though the former is lacking in hot men. It also does not star Alan Thicke. I mention this because my husband keeps asking if "the pride of Elliot Lake" will make an appearance. He will not. Thank heavens. "The Thick of It" is British and I am very biased toward British television. I am a not-so-secret Anglophile.

Which is part of the reason I discovered Glamour's 100 Hottest Men in the World list. Damn, the ladies of the UK have great taste in men. Please note, that I have made the editorial choice to use photos of Glamour's sexy men wearing sweaters, thereby increasing their sexiness ten-fold.

1. Henry Cavill
I haven't seen his Superman movie! Which is crazy because I LOVE Superman. And Mr Cavill ain't bad either.


2. Robert Pattinson
No. He's covered in Twilight vampire sparkles and tainted by association with that banal girl he dated.

3. Liam Hemsworth
I am that rarest of women who prefers Liam to Chris. Not even his association with Miley Cyrus could dissuade me from thinking him very cute. Nay. HOT. He is hot.

4. Tom Hiddleston
I haven't seen Thor. We started to watch it once, but the opening scene was unintelligible on our tv and computer screen (is there some setting I need to change on my LCD tv or monitor so I can watch night scenes in movies? Usually they're just black on black) and the kids asked to turn it off after 10 confusing minutes. I did enjoy him in The Avengers, even though I think that was just an okay movie.    I spent the whole time saying "So the Black Widow's superpower is to act like a naive sex kitten until men confess their secrets to her? What the hell? What a waste."


5. Benedict Cumberbatch
Yes. Yes! A thousand times, YES! I may have just screamed that into a pillow.

6. Harry Styles
HAHAHAHA. Look at his hair:


This is NOT sexy, people.

7. Chris Hemsworth
Please refer to comments I made for entries 3 & 4.


Chris was in the Star Trek reboot, ergo I'm obliged to fancy him! By the way, did you know there is a third Hemsworth? Luke:


Before dismissing him out of hand, you might want to read "Chin up, Peeta: Ain't Nothin' Wrong with a Short Man."

8. Idris Elba
HELLO! Sweater and a beard! Way to woo the Canadian ladies, Mr Elba.



9. Jamie Campbell Bower
Another Twilight actor. This one doesn't look like the brightest bulb. I'll leave him to the younger ladies.


10. Justin Bieber
I blame the chavs for the inclusion of this fool:


Technically, Justin Bieber isn't wearing a sweater. It's a sweatshirt, but this photo is so delightful I will break from my theme so it can be included.

Obviously I won't be able to comment on all 100 men on the list. So I'll just showcase the highlights from the remaining 90.

11. Charlie Hunnam
He improves immeasurably if he uses his original (English) accent and isn't dress like a biker and I don't have to look at any ugly tattoos.


16. Michael Fassbender
I approve of the sweater and his accent. This beard-moustache combo is not my favourite look, but I know a lot of my peers (30- and 40-something, tech savvy moms from North America) admire the cut of his jib.

The jeans are, sadly, not tight enough to reveal the state of his jib.

19. Matt Smith
Is he sexy? Not to me. I do find him charming, which I guess is one small fez away from hotness.



20. Robert Downey Jr.
I really enjoyed him 20 years ago in Chaplin, but now I think he's one pretty face in a cadre of action stars whose movies confuse me. "Who is that guy? Is he the guy from before with the thing and the punching? He's not? How did they get here? A second ago they were on the ground and now they're on the bridge? How did that happen?" I can be heard to say during any number of his movies.


22. Hugh Jackman
It's alarming that he's 12 positions behind Bieber. Women of England, you are doing this wrong!


32. Ryan Gosling
Canadian men (ie, Gosling) instinctively know that sweaters are the key to a woman's heart. Well that, and mastering the j-stroke. It's a canoe thing. Get your mind out of the gutters, foreigners.


42. David Gandy
Usually I don't like Gandy. His hyper-masculinity and menacing glare scares me. But him in a sweater is much less over-powering.


Why doesn't he ever smile? Does he have bad teeth?

46. Chris Pine
Adorable! Even if he is a modelizer.


Chris does have a fairly strong fan base (his fans are called Pine Nuts) in the UK. If you have a few minutes to kill and want to be charmed, I recommend this clip from the Graham Norton show with The 'Batch and Chris and their respective fandoms:



52. Tinie Tempah
I had never heard of this man. But when I reached his page on the list I thought "Now there's a guy who know how to wear a suit." He's a rapper, and I managed to listen to the entirety of one of his songs without wanting to hit the mute button. That's pretty much the biggest compliment I can give any rapper.

Not only does he look great in a suit, but he's cool enough to borrow a sweater from Bill Cosby's wardrobe:

Sidenote: the Glamour list includes many UK pop singers. Most of them are unknown to me because I don't really care for mainstream music and in general don't find musicians very attractive. A good narrative features heavily in my perception of "hotness."

55. Bradley Cooper
Really? Again with this guy?
Fine:

63. Andrew Garfield
I can't get past the goofy surname or the big forehead. Is it possible he's actually a cartoon character? Is he weirdly fond of lasagna? Is his frenemy named Nermal?

72. Joe Manganiello
Shameful confession: I think he's hot. He's not my usual type, but he's rockin' this sweater:


76. Colin Farrell
My Irish DNA can't be reasoned with. Ditto for my Irish lady bits. I lurve him.


79. Martin Freeman
Sometimes on pinterest I see comments from women who think John Watson (on Sherlock) is sexy. I don't get that. If anything, he would be even more horrible of a boyfriend than Sherlock. Also I heard a rumour that he actually has Hobbit feet. In real life!



Okay, I just made that up. But in all honesty I can't get past him being a porn star in "Love Actually."

80. Gerard Butler
He's a dirty dog, but you can't say he takes himself too seriously:



83. Stephen Amell
HE IS CANADIAN! And he's very charming/scary in Arrow.


88. Daniel Craig
This sweater says "Now, I'm going to light a fire in the fireplace and in your pants." Or else it says, "I'm gonna fuck up anyone who touches my fireplace poker without permission."


91. Andy Murray
This token jock is worthy of mention because he isn't tattooed. Sorry, David Beckham (#21), your tattoos are -- by there very nature -- ugly.



93. Adam Levine
The fuck you say? This guy? AGAIN? No! I will not have his face and his tattoos sully my blog.

97. David Tennant
Did you watch the Day of the Doctor? Wasn't it great? Know what it was missing? Donna Noble. I need more Donna Noble! I miss her and Tennant's Doctor Who. He is definitely a hottie.



99. Zachary Quinto
YOUNG SPOCK!

100. George Clooney
He's a play-ah, to be sure. But still charming and he's the oldest man on the list.



In conclusion, I just want to thank the editors and contributors of Glamour magazine for helping heal the wounds left behind by the awfulness that was People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive (2013) edition. If you are interested in further commentary regarding that list, please visit the following:
Beck wrote "The Corrected People Magazine Hot Guy List. " Can we talk about Stanley Tucci? Isn't he lovely? And The Rock? With a side order of Allan Hawco!
"It’s the most wonderful time of the year" part 1 and Part 2 came from Hannah. 
Nicole's chimed in with "In my day, the Sexiest Man Alive only had one tattoo, a forearm anchor."


15 comments:

  1. Hee!! Oh, how I loved this post. I have such a new respect for sweaters. Also, loved the article about Peeta's height challenges - just saw Catching Fire this week and I was totally distracted by the fancy camera angles and depth perception tricks used to make them look like-heighted. It was like Lord of the Rings in reverse. Poor Josh Hutcherson!

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    1. I hope Josh isn't getting a complex about all this discussion about height. He's a cutie! He's no Stanley Tucci, mind you.

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  2. THIS POST WAS AMAZING. So many sweaters! I've taken to buying Bill sweaters all the time. He THINKS it's because I'm concerned about his warmth. No.
    Also, thanks for the mention of both me and the gorgeous Stanley Tucci!
    I don't get women who find threatening, scary-looking guys attractive. David Gandy, the heck?

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    1. Sweaters are so sexy. My husband is very particular about his sweaters, so I'm becoming more of an expert.

      Gandy needs to learn how to smile. It would make a huge difference.

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  3. This was just pure awesome from top to bottom. Also, never apologize for your lust for Joe Manganiello. If that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

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    1. "If that's wrong, I don't want to be right." -- HAHAHAHA.

      For this post I googled many, many sweater wearing hot men. And I'm so appreciative that my hard work is not going to waste.

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    2. YES YES YES on Christopher Pine, Idris Elba, Liam Helmsworth, Hugh Jackman. Re: Joe Manganiello, in the words of (I think) Rod Stewart: "If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right. If being right means being without you I'd rather live a wrong doing life". And I'm VERY sure Joe Manganiello could help you with the wrong doing life in the very best sense of the words.

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    3. Not Rod Stewart - not sure what song I was thinking of.

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    4. Judy you were right, it's a Rod Stewart song. I was not aware that Joe Manganiello was popular. I thought he was a cheeseball. Or a meatball. Whatever. YOU KNOW I'M GOING FOR!! I'm very pleased with your pro-Joe feedback.

      Slightly off topic, Judy, you asked a couple of weeks ago about the comments being off on a seal hunt post. I turned them off b/c it just looked so sad and dejected with only two comments. I thought it was a good post and I appreciated your comments and Hannah's -- thanks. But it looked unloved. It's kind of embarrassing to acknowledge that I place such a premium on comments, but I do. I am shallow.

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  4. I love this rundown and I love the sweaters but I really need to confess. I...I...deep breath...I really do not get the Benedict Cumberbatch appeal. He looks vaguely fetal to me. Of course, I have never seen Sherlock and only saw him in Star Trek so perhaps his hotness is situational?

    I know. I'm the only person on the internet who feels this way. It's a personal failing, I'm sure.

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    1. "He looks vaguely fetal to me" -- hehehehe.

      Until I watched Sherlock, I also did not get Benedict's appeal. It's definitely situational and it's not that uncommon to be immune to his charms. But on Sherlock, his sex appeal arises from the character's extremely competent, confident manner and that's really appealing to me. At least in theory. In real life I wouldn't put up with him and his self-absorption.

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    2. You are not the only one Cherie. I'm pretty much immune to the "charms" of Benedict Cumberbatch as well. Bit too prissy for me and I've never seen him on Sherlock or Star Trek. My opinion is based solely on what I've seen of him on Nan's blog.

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    3. I will not try and convince you of his sexiness. Instead I will just nod my head and think "MORE FOR ME! MORE FOR ME!!" I'm not very good at sharing.

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  5. I love this post with so many giant puffy hearts, you can't even know. And I have so many comments! HUGH JACKMAN. GEORGE CLOONEY. Yes, I know he's, uh, been around the block but from a purely visual standpoint hubba hubba. That is my type right there. Mmm.

    Where was I? I think I blacked out for a minute. Yes! I remember, how is it I've seen Thor AND the Man of Steel and you haven't? That seems wrong on all levels. Also I had no idea what was going on in either movie. I've turned into my own befuddled father.

    Harry Styles - heeee - but my 17 year old niece thinks he's a dream. That's about right, I think.

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    1. I'm not a movie fan. I love tv shows. This might be a self defense mechanism since it's a 4 hour round trip drive to a movie theatre.

      Clooney is a classic. He's our generation's Warren Beatty.

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