Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Benedict Cumberbatch was ROBBED.

A few nights ago I came across this photo on Pinterest:

It was captioned as "Sexy Chewbacca cosplay."

It is a cool costume. It's fun and unique. Spending the day at a fan expo in a full fur body suit would be unpleasant, so this woman's choice to have bare arms and legs has practical considerations. It's a fun gender-spin on Chewbacca. Granted it would be cooler if it was a re-imagining of Mallatobuck (that's Chewbacca's wife, for those of you not of the nerd-persuasion).

But it is not sexy.

We need to codify the meaning of sexy.

It's looking at someone and saying "I am having lustful thoughts about you and I bet our lovemaking would be passionate and sensual."

Sexy is not a Wookiee.

Sexy is not fun fur.

Sexy is NOT Tim Tebow.

Which is why it makes no sense that Tim Tebow made People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive edition. Granted he is not THE winner (that's Chris Hemsworth -- more on him later), but he is in the top 10 list. Which is gross. He is gross. What is sexy about a thick-necked jock who uses his considerable power, wealth and prestige to missionize his religion. Tebow made a big show of praying while in the stadium during game play. He marked his face with bible passages during games. He is anti-choice when it comes to women's reproductive health. He speaks of his faith in that "golly shucks, Jesus is swell" anti-intellectual way that makes me cringe, because religion is a serious issue that deserves to be treated as such.

Oh. And according to nearly every article I googled, he is not a good ball player.

The rest of the list is mostly better. Let's review:

The winner is (as noted earlier) Chris Hemsworth. Meh. He's fine. I know some women love him, but I think he's just kind of bland and uninteresting. I can muster some enthusiasm for him since he briefly appeared in the first Star Trek reboot as George Kirk. But I do not like Thor. That stupid quasi-Elizabethean, pseudo-posh speech pattern he affects is annoying.

On the cover of the SMA edition there are photos of Idris Elba AND Chris Pratt, and on the People site there is a slideshow of Elba and Pratt. But Idris doesn't make the top ten list. I don't understand. Why? Is it editorial sloppiness? Don't be a tease, People magazine!

Chris Pratt does appear on the Top Ten list, AKA Hemsworth's Court Of Sexy Men In Waiting. He's fine. I did not like that ridiculous Lego movie, but he was good in Guardians of the Galaxy. Supposedly Pratt is good on Parks & Rec, but I wouldn't know. For all my love of tv -- and I really do love tv so much more than films -- I have not seen Parks & Rec. This is because I like my tv to be dramatic with only hints of comedy. Which is exactly the opposite of how I like my real life. To that end, I surround myself with funny people in real life and don't really need to get my fill from tv.

But I digress...

Jamie Dornan.
I am going to miss him when his career grinds to a halt following the release of the deservedly doomed "Fifty Shades of Grey" film. It's unfortunate, since he was great in "The Fall." This is a creepy thing to admit, isn't it?

Ki Hong Lee.
"We need a young guy to appeal to the younger women. Any thoughts?" says the editor of this issue and so commences a spitball session that last 46 hours and only ends when they find a cute, young fella whose agent is amenable to any kind of publicity. Ki Hong does nothing for me, but at least I don't find him utterly objectionable (see earlier screed about Tim Tebow).

Blake Shelton.
Do not let it be said that I didn't do my due diligence with regards to this post. I watched this Blake Shelton music video for "Doin' What She Likes:"

The highlights:
0:05 -- Blake owns a home so posh and so monochromatic that it could be featured on Pinterest. He is talking talkin' to his lady on his mobile phone. A romantic night at home is in the works.
0:26 -- slow motion AND a smoke machine
0:35 -- slowly nodding noddin' while looking at a blender
0:43 -- Blake will do anything for his lady. Including slacking off from work and risking unemployment
0:51 -- slo-mo kneading of dough
0:52 -- it appears to be early morning, yet Blake is making his lady margaritas. The dog looks on in envy (but is also sick because Blake fed it raw, felt-up dough)
1:03 -- Blake's lady likes to be told "how good she looks" in blue jeans. Good to know.
1:21 -- a lyrical reference to lighting watermelon candles UPSTAIRS. UP! STAIRS!
1:28 -- Blake polishes the furniture. In slo-mo. Bitches love slo-mo.
1:57 -- after a series of slo-mo household chores, Blake makes his lady a bubble bath. He is very intent on squeezing lotion into the rose-petal strewn tub. I feel dirty watching him watching the bottle as it ejaculates out the creamy lotion. Subtle, Blake ain't.
2:22 -- back to those watermelon candles. Lit. UPSTAIRS.
2:33 -- IT'S AN INFERNO!
2:43 -- Blake is too busy with the strewing of the rose petals and he doesn't yet know about the inferno. The suspense is killing me.
2:48 -- he knows
2:49 -- Blake runs. Slo-mo.
3:00 -- fire trucks are on the scene.
3:16 -- back to the chorus. At this point Blake is standing in front of his burning house. He gestures good naturedly to the house as he sings about lighting those mother-fucking watermelon candles.
3:43 -- the fire chief gives Blake a bouquet of charred roses. Is this a metaphor? Or is that fella hittin' on Blake?
3:58 -- oh that scamp. He's not going to confess to torching the house! He's takin' his lady out to dinner. Gosh.

Verdict: he hits a zero on the Lady Bit Tingling Scale of Sexiness.

Bradley Cooper.
I am sticking with my long held assessment of him.

Matt Bomer:
Fuck yeah. He looks like Superman.

Michael Strahan.
Football guy and talking head -- NOPE. There is only one former football player who does anything for me: The Rock. Who was also on Star Trek:

Eddie Redmayne.
Or as I call him "Not Cumberbatch." But since he's the closest this list comes to Cumberbatch, I'll take him. Twice.

And lastly...

Scott Foley.
Awwwww. I'm sweet on Scott. I'm so glad he's having a career revival. I have always felt that he deserved to be known for more than once marrying Jennifer Garner. I also have a soft spot for him because he was in a deliciously NOT good TV miniseries called The Last Templar.

The list wasn't a total bust, of course. At least Adam Levine didn't make a repeat appearance.